5 Ways to Avoid Being Eaten by Bears


When discussing thru-hikes safety is always a primary concern. Many hikers get asked whether they are carrying a fire-arm or not, but few rarely do.

So, if I’m not taking a gun what I going to do about my safety? I decided to research other ways to avoid wildlife troubles and being eaten by most of them, or more specifically, bears.

5 ways to help prevent this disaster:

1.) Sleep with your food in your tent: if that bear wants your food he’ll have to fight you for it! Chances are, after hiking 2-300 miles, your inflated ego coupled with your new, emerging muscles will turn you into what you believe is the next Chuck Norris…if not, I’m sure your banshee screaming will do the trick.

chuck norris

2.) Be Tarzan: that’s right, if your Chuck Norris moves fail – climb a tree! If he follows you up you can simply swing with ease from tree to tree while the poor bear climbs down one and up the other in a futile attempt to catch dinner.

3.) Paint with all the colors of the wind: if Tarzan doesn’t work maybe Pocahontas is more your style. Pet him on the head and give him a hug. You could even tell him how cute he is…”He’s so fluffy I’m gonna’ die!” unicorn minion

4.) Take a selfie: this has become the newest fad with wild animals and its pretty obvious why. Let’s be honest, they are so photogenic and selfies with moose and bears are pretty awesome. And as if that’s not enough, they have feelings too. Don’t you think they want the picture of them and their new snack- I mean best friend- to be the new internet sensation? Say cheese!

5.) Trip your hiking companion and run the other way: even bears can only eat so much at a time. If all else has failed and it comes down to you and a fellow hiker you should definitely go with the former. If you happen to be hiking that section of the trail all alone I’m sorry…who would you like your fellow hikers to notify when they find your body (if they find your body)? Perhaps you should have that list somewhere in your pack (not in your pants because its possible they won’t be found either).

elephant fight

Wait…where did the elephants come from?

Ok, reality check

Ok, ok, ok. If you actually read all the way through this list I hope you laughed at least once. I’m sure it didn’t take long to figure out it is satire. But, if you happen to fall into that 2% of the really-not-so-bright population, I’m telling you now: please don’t actually try the above 5 things because I was kidding….and you might actually get eaten.

Safety is a big concern on this trip and I don’t want to minimize its importance, but I can’t help having a few laughs during this planning process. Hope some of ya’ll do too.

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Comments 4

  • Frango Pizzoli : Feb 17th

    Hey Jacqui,
    Just wanted to comment. When you do get your CCW permit, your permit will have reciprocity agreements with certain other states. Be sure that all the states in which you will be carrying your weapon accept the permit from your issuing state. Darn tough to get a permit in Illinois and New York, in fact, almost impossible in NYC. Bears won’t ask to see your CCW though. lol

    • Jacqui Reed : Feb 17th

      I have actually researched every state and know all of their CCDW reciprocity and open carry laws 🙂

  • Greg : Feb 17th

    If you think you have time to pull your concealed weapon out and down a bear, Good luck. You will be the the first.

    • Jacqui Reed : Feb 18th

      Actually I don’t believe I will need to use it for bears, but thanks for being a smart-ass anyway. I guess you missed the part where I explained that me carrying has nothing to do with bears or other hikers, but my right to exercise my Second Amendment rights and once I have my CCDW I will always carry.


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