Over Thinking is a mind killer
Self Doubt is the worst.
The struggle is so real and the noise is loud between my ears. Shake it off. It is not me talking. It’s my brain whispering to me you can’t do this.
What the hell are you telling me? I want to do this. I have wanted this as long as I can remember. Why are you trying to stop me??(Talking to myself)
Six months ago, I could have hiked all the way to Maine. I was ready mentally and physically. Today that loathing self doubt has crept in, telling me I am not ready. But I am ready or am I? Little things I was so positive about have me second guessing myself now.
(Don’t look at anymore gear no matter what)
All my gear that I researched and love, feels like it may not be good enough (I am sure it is). I have it all planned out, even my meals and drop boxes, and every time I see someone post something different that little twinge comes back and I start to freak just a bit. Maybe I am all wrong about everything or maybe I am fine.
My nerves are just playing games with me to see if I am mentally strong enough for this trip. All this time I keep thinking I just needed to be mentally strong for the hike. I guess I did not take into account the anxiety would have before the trail
The hardest part is feeling like you can’t talk to anyone about the hike (Besides other Hikers). I have worn my family down from talking about it for 2 years and people don’t understand the feelings I am experiencing. This weekend was the first time I had been hiking in about 3 weeks (I was having a small pity party for myself due to being sick). it felt good being out in the woods, the pace was slow but that was fine. Once home the twinge of doubt came back. (Be gone with you Doubt!!)
I hate to say it but the dreaded “S” word has also loomed over me a bit (SELFISH.) Yes, I said it. Am I being selfish by taking off for 5 months to do this and dump everything on my husband, such as taking care of our animals and home and help me out during this adventure? Did I think it all through?
I thought I did, or was I so wound up in doing this I failed to think about the important things and people in my life? Am I still willing to bypass the inconveniences or the hardships it might cause my family? Or the amount of money it will cost (Gear and travel money for the trail)? is it fair of me to ask my husband to forgo his vacations or give up on other things to take the money to do this for me??
Am I being selfish?? Some people quit jobs and sell homes and drop everything to do this. Some don’t have enough funds and need help with the trip and still go. Are we all being selfish??
I keep thinking back to the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind when Richard Dreyfus (Roy) says to his wife, Ronnie, “if I don’t do this, *that’s* when I’m going to need a doctor”. Was he being selfish for seeking something that others couldn’t understand or even relate to? Is this our close encounter?
This is just one of many mental test I feel lay ahead of me. I think I will go throw up now.
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I’m right there with you. Excited, nervous and now scarred. They are all taking turns in my emotions. Something I have dreamed about, talked about and planned for is now very close. I find I am becoming more reluctant to talk about it. I just want to get started.
Christine, Glad to see someone else is having the same issues . I was thinking I was loosing my mind. I was back and forth about posting this as I didn’t want people to think I was was being stupid, but maybe its just a deep excitement i am feeling. i guess its better to have a few fears than not have any and get out on the trail and freak out. so maybe its a good thing.
Great article from the heart (and mind). I wish you all the best. See you at Katadin
I’m having the same thoughts… A year ago there was no way i wasn’t making it to Katahdin but now i’m having the same thoughts.. It’s like you read my mind…I just posted on an article Zach wrote last year…You should read it. It’s (Nervous about your upcoming thru hike? Good) by zach it in the advice section of this website…Anyways thanks for sharing and good luck on your hike..I’ll be starting 2/29/2016 so hope to see you there…Oh i’m from Alabama too…
If you weren’t afraid, it wouldn’t be worth doing.