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500 Miles and a Failed Relationship
“It’s Me or the Trail.”
I can still hear the scratchy voice barely coming through my phone. I raced along a ridge line in the Smokey Mountain National Park as the wind whipped freeing rain into my face and blew the cell service away. But despite the poor reception, I could hear the sorrow in Kaleb’s voice. The rain couldn’t drown out his pleading tone: “It’s me or the trail.” And after three years, how could it not be him? He sounded so broken.
In the moment though, the brokenness only made me angry. How could he not understand that it would never be him over the trail? His ultimatum was an impossible one—I was literally slogging through wind and rain to continue my hike, I couldn’t even fathom getting off the trail. Especially not when he was continuously reminding me about how I deserved no forgiveness, reminding me that the only reason we were having the conversation in the first place was that I had screwed up and done the unforgivable.
And he was right, of course. I did mess up, I did ruin the relationship. I cheated on him after only three weeks on the trail, cheated on him after assuring him for months that I would never meet another person on the trail. I cheated on him the night I wrote my previous blog post about how lucky I was to be in such an amazing relationship. About how lucky I was to have such a strong support network back home.
I blindsided him.
And I want to say that I blindsided myself too, but I think I knew it was over before I even left. I am a codependent person. I have always had a few people in my life whom I have relied on. Kaleb was one of those people. We fell in love quickly and passionately after meeting in a basement at a party that neither of us wanted to be at. We adopted a dog together after barely two years of knowing each other, I told him I wanted to get married while I was feeling swirly at a Phish show on New Year’s Eve. I loved him with my entire soul.
But we were a college relationship. College kept us together because we were in the same place and on the same track in life. When we graduated, things started to change. Kaleb knew what he wanted, a job in the solar industry, a nice apartment in a real city, and stability. He was ready to seek out that white picket fence life. And me? Well, I had no idea what I wanted. I still don’t. I had half-formed ideas about getting a short-term job and then going to grad school. But I didn’t feel crazy passionate about any of those things. It was just a shadowy idea that I needed to do something productive.
When Covid hit, it gave me a lot of time to reflect on myself and my goals. Suddenly, it was an opportune time to start saving money for the Appalachian Trail. Kaleb was resistant to the idea from the beginning. I guess maybe he sensed that the trail would change something between us, despite my reassurances that our relationship was strong enough to withstand a six-month hiatus. But it wasn’t.
A Trail Full of Changes
Coming out onto the trail, I realized just how much I was using Kaleb as a crutch. I was so lucky to be in a loving relationship, but I was also limiting myself because of it. I blocked out the voices telling me that I wasn’t entirely happy in my relationship because it was easier than admitting we were together because of comfort. Pre-trail, without Kaleb, I thought I would drown. My life was so wrapped up in his. We lived together with our dog-child, we had the same interests and the same friends. To break up would mean to start anew and to think of that felt similar to looking at a huge mountain looming on the horizon. I couldn’t even imagine how I would start over.
The trail is teaching me that I could be giving up too much of my freedom by settling down and has really proved that I am not ready for it. What I did to him was selfish and wrong, but I think it was a necessary teaching moment for me.
Trying to Process it All
Honestly, the weirdest thing has been the lack of emotion regarding the entire breakup on my part. I have always been a ball of Roman Candle emotions. Explosive and impulsive. I feel everything always. But out here, I think the constant walking is actually sucking all my emotional energy away from me.
I have barely processed the passing of a three-year-long relationship. (Again, a relationship where we lived together for 2 of three years and owned a dog). I keep waiting for the weight of it all to hit me and it just isn’t. I know that I wish it hadn’t ended the way it did. It makes my heart feel like it’s filling up with concrete to think of how much I hurt him. I hate to think of him wandering around the city we were supposed to make into our home all alone. But that’s about the extent of it. I feel like I am in the eye of a hurricane, the shitstorm is swirling around me and I am just placidly meandering down a 2,200-mile trail. I wonder if the reality of it all will slam into me after I summit Katahdin.
It’s funny what makes me think of him though. There are the normal things, like a song we enjoyed together or a familiar food. But then there are other, more abstract things. I shared a twin bed at the Nature’s Inn Hostel with the guy I am currently seeing, and couldn’t stop thinking about Kaleb (so weird, I know). I was hit by such strong nostalgia of cramming myself into the uncomfortable dorm beds at UVM our sophomore year of college it was almost overwhelming. It was also probably the saddest I have felt in regards to the entire ordeal.
Honestly, I am having a hard time ending this blog because it feels so personal. I have been putting this post off over and over again because the idea of publishing something like this was extremely overwhelming, but it has been so much of my experience on this trail, I feel that it would be wrong to hold it back. The reality of thru hiking is that, while it is amazing and often feels otherworldly, it still affects your real life and I am trying to remember that I have a real life to go back to when this adventure ends. And it’s hard because I am sort of staring into a big black hole after Katahdin, but life will go on.
Best as always,
Racehorse/Vortex
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Comments 67
I know this was hard to write about, but I’m glad you finally did. It will help you heal and move on and figure out your next steps. Keep on trekking and figuring yourself out! Much love, Mom
Ms. Avery – I can tell you have not approached your situation without a lot of thought and introspection. You communicated this so well in your post. Please understand that you are just beginning your life, there will be lots of bumps in the road and this is one of them. You strike me as being an extremely self-confidant person already who will survive these bumps. Trust your instincts and follow your heart and your belief in yourself. I will be one of your cheerleaders and will look forward to your posts as they are published on The Trek.
Life is confusing and hard. And I’m so glad you are still walking the trail, as has been your dream for the last year. A lot of people in these comments digging on your character don’t know you personally as I do. They also can’t possibly know all the ins and outs of your relationship. We all make mistakes, and we all learn from those mistakes especially in relationships. It’s easy for people on the internet to sit back and say, “Oh I would never do that,” blah, blah, blah. But life is not so black and white. The truth is, we all hurt each other sometimes, and there are times you’re the person who hurts the other and there will be times someone hurts you. Such is life. You are still so young and have lots of time to figure out everything. Best on the rest of the trail. I love you.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to write my own comment on this article but I only seem to be able to reply to comments already written. Being a dad I will piggyback on “Mom’s” comments. What a great mom you have!! Such loving nonjudgmental support!! Beautiful. So Avery I want to say your article touched me so…… I am a 53 yr old man who has been dreaming of thru hiking the Trail most of my life. I’ve completed about 100 miles of sectional hikes in VA and NC but have always wanted to do it all. I’m not sure there’s much time left for me as I am aging quickly now – things speed up the older you get. So I just want to encourage you to live your truth and explore your heart and soul NOW. Because if you don’t do it when you’re young it will haunt you as you get older. Ignore all the judgemental comments on your page. Those are coming from a place of ignorance. You must live your life and walk your walk and we will make mistakes, and we will hurt and be hurt by others. But this isn’t a dress rehearsal. This is it! Live it to the fullest. Feel all of it! Experience all of it! Find your heart’s passion. I’m still looking and I’m 53! Kaleb will survive your breakup and will go in to love again. You both have so much ahead of you. But be careful, it passes quickly! Keep exploring, keep searching, you will never regret it. And keep writing!! You’re good! Thank you for sharing an intimate side of yourself. I was deeply touched and relate so much. Enjoy the trail and your own inner transformation! Take care! Larry
Larry,
You are 53 years young! Do the trail!! I’m 51…no desire at all the hike every day for 6 months but I am obsessed with people who DO! (I’d kayak or paddle board every day if possible)
Live your dream ..grab the ring and go.
Hopeful you hike…
+
Heather
Hello, I know the feeling I love my hikes, trails, it feels different when I’m hiking, suddenly I forgot everything else of my life, or home. My boyfriend of 10 years doesn’t understand why I hike, he go somethings but hate it. Now we are in a very difficult decision because a mistake he just made. Something that could have being avoided, but he didn’t. And days like today I just want to run one of my trails for hours and don’t look back, so I can forget all about him. To feel me as a person alone and find myself again, before I met him.
Hey Avry,
I really liked your last piece. Honesty like yours is rare. You’re a good writer. Keep it up.
In 2019 I hiked 566 miles on the PCT. When you finish the AT come out west and do the PCT.
Good hiking to you,
Tod
I think your a dirt bag cheater and you’ll never be happy because you only care about yourself and women like you will always be alone because any great guy will avoid you like the plague. Have fun worring that every guy you date will be getting his dick sucked at work while on the phone with you.
Get cheated on last week?
*You’re not your.
Like, “You’re a piece of shit human who clearly has trust issues.”
Hi Joey,
You seem to have a lot of unhealthy emotions to process. Maybe you should see a therapist? At least then someone would be getting paid to give a shit about you for an hour, and might actually pay attention to you – a new experience, I’m sure.
Hope you can work out your issues!
Who are you to recommend therapy? Sounds like your a real piece of work. Hope I never meet you. Just as judgemental as the writer your claiming to need therapy.
Sounds like and incel
You seem to be a slut who doesn’t know how to use spell check.
Mr. Geier – you’re a real dick and a loser. With such beliefs, your path will be difficult as you go through life. I pity you, you mindless moron. Please see a therapist to work out your issues about your sexuality and tiny penis. Best of luck to you – you will need it.
WOW, Mr. Cunningham, I didn’t realize there were still folks out there in 2021 who were so stupid and judgemental! Your comment to Ms. Avry’s post was unnecessary and downright mean-spirited – you are a member of the Trump cult, aren’t you? Yep, you definitely are. Please just crawl back into the wormhole you came from and disappear, okay? You’ll be doing everyone a favor. Geez . . .
What. No trumpet here you idiot. Just sick of entitled millennials spilling their guilt ridden and useless minds on the internet. This piece of shit shacked up her first week on the trail. Funny how you who has accomplished so little in your life accuse others for calling out your bullshit. Also I can spell.
Quit frothing and grow up. Life is complicated. Pretending otherwise, while judging a stranger for admitting human fallibility, is intellectually weak and rather tedious.
Keep writing your truth, nothing worth reading isn’t personal in some way. Ignore those triggered by your path and what will shape you into the wonderful woman you’re becoming.
It’s great to “live your truth” but refusing to acknowledge that one’s actions affect others is a selfish way to live. There are ways to end a relationship (precluding abuse, of course) that incorporate treating the person with whom one is breaking up with respect. There’s nothing “wonderful” about treating a person as if s/he is disposable, especially while simultaneously acknowledging all of that individual’s “wonderful” qualities. That’s frankly just cruel.
I dont like how you write like you were a victim in all of this. You let him think you loved him right up until you laid random wood in the woods and then you told him it was all a lie and you laid with another. Well good luck finding love in the future. If thats how you treat people, in love or just faking it, your in for a long life of interpersonal relationship issues.
Read it again, if you can find a spare moment amidst all your judgment and assumptions. You managed to lose the plot.
Nope, plot was pretty clear, as was the subplot. Avry needs to grow up and stay out of relationships until she does. It also would be good to remember that not everyone in one’s life wants to be immortalized in one’s blog.
Wow! Your a peice of shit person! I cant believe they even let you write for this site. If cancel culture is needed. Its needed for ppl like you that need canceled. Not Dr Seuss
Dr. Seuss was never cancelled, and spell check is your friend, dear.
Avery, I think you’re very selfish. It’s all about you. That’s how I read your post. Yuk. Good luck with that.
OK, now I’m getting mad. Please reflect on what you have just written and how ill-informed you are. Yep, you’re definitely a Trump supporter, poor thing. For possible rehabilitation, I highly recommend you watch Puccini’s opera “Madame Butterfly” and on a lighter note, Donizetti’s “L’Elisir de Amore” – don’t worry, they come with subtitles in English.
Love your writing style & enjoyed this post! It’s very honest & relatable. I’ve hiked about 1/2 of the AT & it does feel like you’re in a different world out there. Keep truckin & don’t mind the internet trolls. Do you girl! Also- I miss live music & can’t wait to see Phish again!!
It really has nothing to do with being on the trail. You had a great boyfriend who wanted a future with you and instead of being honest with him and telling him that you wanted out you chose to be a total coward. You literally ran away and cheated on him and then told him about it, then you refused to go home and talk to him about it so you could both have closure. After that you wrote this blog where you try to spin it like you’re the protagonist who’s finding herself on the trail like a woman in one of those midlife crisis adventure books. You make it sound like life just happens to you and you had no choice when you’re really being an awful person.
How eloquently put and 100% correct Jane, no more needs to be said.
I second this.
Can we pin this comment ^ accurate summary right here.
You’re a mess emotionally. The former boyfriend will look back on this and see this was a very fortunate turn of events for him.
To humiliate him on a national blog just proves your a malignant narcissist. The reason you feel nothing is because you are incapable of empathy.
What happen to your 3 week lover? Lol.
Live your own life, Avry. Hike your own hike.
Hike your hike, and live your life!
Only God is your judge!
Amazing story. Thanks for your honesty.
Caleb completely dodged a bullet, whether he knows it or not. Lucky guy.
Found Kaleb on Facebook, poor guy. You really shouldn’t use real names!
Talk about adding insult to injury. Poor form.
Wow. Just wow.
Seems like Kaleb is a lucky guy, whether or not he knows it yet. He dodged a real bullet in you. You say you knew the relationship was over when you left, but you didn’t have the stones to just leave him and go. You had to continue stringing him along for weeks or months more, eventually writing about your infidelity in a national blog using his real name. It’s hard for me to express in words how self-centered, entitled, and genuinely shitty that is. Way to exploit your bad behavior and his heartbreak for clicks.
I’m definitely done with your blog.
Hi K9FIRSRAID,
Great! We could use less people like you in the world, but I think we’ll start with less people like you on this blog. Have a nice life!
Ah Avry
Life is dramatic, the greatest teacher is mother nature so beautiful yet so treacherous. She shows us so much about so many things suttle and loud. One of the greatest most profound lessons she has taught me is truely what comes around goes around. Travel true.
A few of the individuals commenting here have expressed an extremely unhealthy and proprietary mindset regarding relationships. Avry does not owe Kaleb exclusive rights to her body. Avry does not owe Kaleb reciprocated emotion. Even if Kaleb professes an emotional attachment to Avry, she does not owe him anything. Avry is not responsible for Kaleb’s emotional state. Avry is not responsible for Kaleb’s wellbeing. Avry is not responsible for Kaleb. Either party can and should exit a relationship whenever it is no longer working for them.
Avry doesn’t owe anyone anything, according to you. She was in a committed, apparently monogamous relationship. So yeah, that presumes “exclusive rights to her body”, as it does for him, until one party “exits the relationship”, as you say. She didn’t exit. She cheated on him. She cheated on him the same day she publicly praised him, used his real name in a public forum–so now has quite publicly humiliated him–and as someone mentioned above, and refused to come home and discuss it in person like a decent human being. If she was unhappy she should have first ended the relationship. If she made a mistake and truly felt remorse, she should have at least had the integrity to come home and explain herself. Instead she dismantled her three-year relationship with what sounds like a decent human being from 500 miles away with zero thought the impact it would have on him. Then, she publicly blogged about it–again, not taking his feelings into account.
Does all of this make Avry a bad person? I’m not answering that. We’re all flawed. But it certainly makes her someone who needs to do some private introspection and hopefully undergo some personal growth before she once again entangles her life with that of someone else.
People judging her need to rethink their reaction if she were a man…she would have got a pass if it was a woman left at home crying?
Seriously? No.
A male acting similarly would certainly not have gotten a “pass”, at least not in this century.
I admire your strength and your courage to go on this trek and to follow your own dreams. You are figuring it out and that takes courage and perseverance..
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. And I also wanted to say I’m sorry for the awful way some people have responded to it. You may not have handled things the best way possible, but you are human, and you are doing your best. My wife recently divorced me after an 8 year relationship, and the parallels between your situation and the way my ex felt are very similar, chillingly so. Despite all this, I am not angry with her. I love her very much, so much so that I respect her right to find her true happiness, even if she could have ended things in a better way. Perhaps she is confused, or will regret the decision down the road, but that is how life works. Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions for yourself in order to learn something. If kaleb truly loves you and cares about you, he will understand. I wish you the best, please be careful on your travels!
The dog is the only winner in this. Avry, you’re a decent writer. However, you are also profoundly / deeply superficial, lacking in tact, empathy and maturity. It’s not terminal but it is chronic, like an STD: the symptoms might not always be present, but the virus never goes away. Might want to disclose that going forward …
This all sounds so challenging. It also sounds like you can handle it. Btw, may I ask the relevance of “racehorse/vortex”?
I can imagine Cheryl Strayed reading and loving this post and rolling her eyes at those misogynists who would try to shame you. Keep hiking, writing, and finding and speaking your truth.
Philip, you are so wrong. This wasn’t some two month relationship where no permanence had been established. Two to three years is a pretty established relationship especially if you are married and living together. Im not calling her a horrible person cause everyone is flawed. But it’s clear she willfully chose to the wrong things all the way to writing this down in a public blog. Maybe they needed to break up since she was undecided, but it seemed like she knew that but you could also see maybe just conveniently realized that after having sex with someone else. Then instead of facing life head on and going back home to either end it right or work it out, she chose to be selfish by staying on the trail. The guy deserved better by all accounts written here. Then she triples down on it all by writing about it on a public blog, what happened to personal diaries. So no this guy shouldn’t still love her and he shouldn’t forgive her at this time. Yea down the road he should cause he doesn’t want to be someone like me who has carried that hate through life but for his own sake, he should stand up for himself and not let her trample over him for a fourth time. Unless some other arrangements have been made, he’s still got to deal with her when she comes back. This isn’t a person I would want to meet on a trail.
Ah, Peyton Place on the A.T.
Sweet…
Wow, some people just have no respect for people they date. That is some really bad karma to put out so early in an adventure. The trail won’t help you, nor should it. It is not fair to others to be walking poison on trail. Interacting with others, experiencing trail gatherings, making new friends. All that after the actions you described. It’s as unfair to the trail as you were to him. Hope you get what you deserve.
Avry! Telling your truth is hard and figuring out who you are is even harder. You may be disappointed in how it unfolded but you will never regret following your heart and leaving one love for another. To be clear, the two loves here are Kaleb and the Trail. Be gentle with yourself, we all make mistakes. Everything works out in the end because it has to, just keep walking. We’re all rooting for you back home! L&M, H&L
Kelly! Great response. Way to go! Avry does not need these mean comments. She is living her dream on the AT
THANKS! Love, A/K
Avry! We do so enjoy your blogs! You are proving that life itself is a true adventure! Seizing the day as a young person! Nothing better than this. You are an explorer via trekking & in your relationships! As it should be! Go forth! Cant wait for your next blog! We love you! Santa and K
I have been in a marriage that by all accounts should have been wrong, yet I’m still married. The thing is that if you are not tolerant to each other likes whether you like it or not then you should not marry. The fact he gave you an ultimatum seems wrong, but then again, maybe he saw the writing on the wall and there were problems communicating between the two. Those thrills of the moment will pass and will only be a nice memory, but a relationship that has endure thru thick and thin are priceless.
Wow, good on you for not being afraid to share. Maybe this post would be a good opportunity for personal reflection. I’ve seen it many times were a couple is self destructive but neither or the one unhappy partner doesn’t want to do the direct thing and end it. The results are basically how you describe the end of your relationship with Kaleb. The courage, I am hopeful that it was courage and not something more self serving, that it took to write this very public article could in the future be directed towards your close personal relationships. The pain maybe be brighter in the short term but you’ll be a stronger person in the end. Good luck on the rest of your hike.
Samesies. The trail changes you. In 2018 I was in your shoes. I loved my wife (8 years!) so completely. And I cheated on her. And it doesn’t make sense and I’ll never know why I did what I did. Let it go. I feel your pain, the pain of hurting the one you love and who loves you. The pain I caused her is the worst I’ve ever experienced. Not my guilt. I own my mistakes and I’m not proud of them. I hurt a beautiful person who wholeheartedly supported me without judgment. I’ll live in that pain for the rest of my life. It gets easier and I can never move forward if I keep looking back and punishing myself. We tried for 3 years and now are filing for divorce. She and I will get over it and move on. I’ll cherish what we had together. Take the numbness while you can. Our bodies know when we can handle the trauma. It’s not gonna be when you’re climbing Smart Mountain! Stay safe. Stay strong. Be you. Eat a vegetable every once in awhile! I see you.
Good for you! This is HEALING for you.
When you are true to YOURSELF, you progress, you GROW, and yes, you CHANGE!
When you do what is best for YOU, every thing else *and* every one (!) else will fall into ITS / THEIR correct place. Kaleb will heal from this in time. And so will you – and so will your mutual friends! A year from now, all of you may be in such different worlds that you won’t know each other any more. Things change. Life changes. God puts people in our lives for seasons and reasons. Grow from this, LEARN from this, and keep MOVING! Forgive – your own self as well as others. Each day is a NEW day, another new BEGINNING, a clean, fresh slate. Enjoy life! Enjoy YOURSELF! And!, allow God to show you His very specific (!) plans for just YOU! ❤
You are young and you are allowed to be messy and maybe make a few mistakes as you go! Nobody is perfect and choosing you is okay. Good luck on your journey!
Is no one in this comment section going to say anything about how us people get into “committed long-term relationships” before our brains finish maturing? For real, frontal lobe development, people.
Anyway, I’m reasonably sure that the author here will be a responsible relationship person in her own time and is not lacking in moral capacity.
As a near middle aged person who has settled down a lot in the years since I graduated from college, I absolutely appreciate how wide-open, and vulnerable Avry is being. She’s not trying to be a hero. She’s not trying to hide the rough bits. She’s just going along and getting though in the imperfect ways that we all do at least sometimes.
If all the mistake-making people out there want to showcase their humanity like she did, I bet the world could be a kinder place.
Perfect people can suck it.
Avry-
I appreciate your honesty and willingness to be authentic. Life is short and is defined by the choices we make. I can see you are struggling with an intensely personal choice and journey as you perhaps discover who you are on the trail. As a victim of an adulterous relationship, I would suggest consideration that posting an intensely personal on on online blog may not be a good place to air your situation. I’m not suggesting you not be authentic and own your responsibility or not take ownership of your life, rather it is probably not a location where you should share this situation. There are more people personally involved, your ex-boyfriend of many years, family and friends who also will have reactions, probably hurt, to what you have posted and likely be put in a difficult situation dealing with this revelation in such a public manner. Brene Brown in her book talks about the Power of Vulnerabiltiy and that being authentic and standing your sacred ground is important, but as importantly is recognizing that exposing yourself to people you do not trust or know is “oversharing”.
In the end it is a consideration worth thinking about. I wish you the best luck with your journey and healing as you travel thru life.
Ruffles, PCT 2018
Ouch. :hug:
Blessings,
Steve