Breaking the silence

I’m so anxious to get some trail under my feet!!! I really dunno how I’m gonna make it another 6 weeks without some dirt! One can only pack, repack and pack their gear so many times! I hope I’m not the only one girding my teeth in anticipation of the season to start.

I guess I can explain my silence lately….. I have not always been an outdoorsy person. I was quite content on my couch gorging myself on Netflix and tortilla chips.  My friends were pretty similar. I ventured out of my comfortable jammie pants into the world of fitness and with that came friends who shared the love of mud and pics of Tuesday bruise-day from Saturday’s Spartan races.  I left some folks behind, but I also took some with along for the ride.  As I continued to grow, I unfortunately out grew some friendships and had to decide between my betterment or their feelings.  I chose me.  It was hard, but I’m the only me I got, so I had to chose to set out on this next section of my life a few “friends” lighter.  But doin that meant I didn’t complete my Spartan trifecta this year and no trial miles on the AT which BROKE MY HEART!

I really try to stay the course and finishing what I start is kinda a big deal for me, so not doin what I said I was gonna do and not gettin the last piece to my puzzle sent me deep into reflection.  I felt like I failed and I had to get centered and find the direction God was tryin to steer me in.  I’m not such a great listener sometimes and doors have to be slammed in my face for me to get off my path and get back to what I’m supposed to be doing.

So that required some silence on my end because I was obviously makin it all about me and that’s not why I’m doin this.  I wasn’t set out on this journey to just acquire medals and wear out shoes.  I was tired of bein scared of everything and bein trapped inside my PTSD.  THATS why I traded my sweats for an OCR jersey and now have outgrown the jersey and the comfortable feeling of having a team and I feel like I’m ready to go solo.  I’m not meant to be comfortable!  I got off the couch and slayed some pretty gnarly demons that were holding me hostage, but I’m not done yet!! Granted, my fears are still there and the memories of sexual assault are still haunting, especially at night, but I wasn’t given this to let evil win! I was given this to show others that PTSD is real and it’s heavy, but it doesn’t get to have me!  I was the victim in A story, but I’m the hero of MY story!  That was just a chapter and it’s still bein written and it’s just gettin good!!

Thanks for listening and following along as I figure out this life thing one mile at a time.

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