Days 101-106: Blowing On the Cartridge

You remember when you were playing Nintendo as a kid and your game would freeze or get glitchy, and you’d take it out and blow on it like that might help? That’s what I’m doing right now, but with my brain.

I decided last week that I needed to go home for at least a little while. At first, I was sure it was just going to be permanent. I felt so overwhelmed by the idea of walking the trail and how stressed and sad it made me, so small in the face of this feeling I have to overcome to accomplish this crazy thing I committed to. I didn’t want to be a downer to my friends, and hiking alone while down that bad sounded kinda dangerous. But deciding to go home felt so much more like a failing than I’d wanted to admit to myself.

I’d spent the days since then focused on the fact that I would soon be home and not having to force myself to do something I used to love, not putting myself in a place where all I could think about were the ways it wasn’t good enough. I tried my best not to get more and more depressing around Cheese, Scatter, and Stache, but the farther we got from Achilles and the closer we got to Harper’s Ferry the more it tore at my chest and made me miserable.

But on the Amtrak home to NYC tonight, things don’t feel so bad.

Not because it’s over, not because I get to give up and shit all over myself. But because I can give myself the time and space I need to love the trail again, or at the very least need it.

A few days ago, I had no idea if I was going to end up back on trail. Today, I’m hoping for no more than two weeks until I’m back with Scatter, Stache, and Cheese. I’m going to reconnect with my loved ones, soak in my hometown, and hope that it’s a lovely reminder of how badly I don’t want to be there.

In the best of ways, I’m hoping that I remember how much more I love it out in the woods.

I kind of felt that it might while we walked through DC yesterday.

We’d come into the Capitol before I went home. Achilles met us in Harper’s Ferry and we stayed with Scatter’s family for the night after the whole gang had our little DC sidequest.

We walked the mall a bit on our way to the Smithsonian Museum of American History, where Achilles and I recreated a picture of my dad and I from 23 years ago. We got dinner at Old Ebbott, followed by cocktails at the new DC location of Death & Co (which I insisted on visiting as I was worried Achilles had never had a real, properly overcomplicated cocktail).

Then, at 10pm and too many adult beverages into the evening, we walked the monuments. We would have scootered, but Achilles vetoed my driving a scooter as apparently I was too wobbly.

Achilles hadn’t seen them before. We walked to the Washington Monument and laid at its base staring up towards the tip. For maybe an hour, maybe less. Time didn’t really matter. Then we ran over to a monument I hadn’t seen before, with all the names of the states circling this big fountain. There were ducks. Achilles and I danced around it while listening to music on my phone while we waited for Cheese and Stache to return from grabbing late night street bites.

Then, the Lincoln Memorial.

I love the monuments and the Mall. I love the sculptures and the storytelling. I like the reminders of the core of our ideals, even if they’re not always represented in actuality. I love the classic Americana vibe of it all, so steeped in nostalgia and hope for what could be. So unintentionally and unfunnily ironic at times. Little reminders of what people have sacrificed in the name of freedom, and not just in our country.

It was a day I didn’t have to force myself to overcome in order to just survive.

A day surrounded by people I love, so very much. A day where I felt how loved I am permeating my sad, broken heart. A day in a city, wearing cute clothes. A day of doing fun things and making good dining choices. A day where we knew things were coming to a close and could truly appreciate it all as it was happening, in real time.

And micro-dosing my return home by hanging out in DC brings me full circle on this update a bit. I love DC. I love visiting it. I loved being in a real city after so long. And though it’s definitely not NYC, it also made me think about how much I actually want to be in a city currently. I’d been so excited to even visit home while on trail, so excited for all the things I’ve missed while away that I’ll get to experience this week. And as much as I loved getting a taste of it, I already know it doesn’t feel the same. I’m already thinking of this as something I’m excited for to scratch the itch of homesickness, check in with the girlfriend and everyone else I haven’t seen in months, and reevaluate my gear while I have the time and extra money. I’m already imagining plans I was counting down the days on before getting to DC and how much less exciting they’ll feel now that I don’t like those things as much.

I’ll put it this way: My favorite part of a night out with friends used to be nice dinner and great drinks. Now my favorite part is the adventures we take outside of those things… and most of my friends back home don’t go on adventures like that.

So here’s hoping this is not the end. Not a “goodbye”, but a “see you soon”.

In the meantime, I’ll keep all of you wonderful people who keep up with this blog updated on my next moves. Maybe I’ll even finally make a real gear list! I’ll have all the time in the world.

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I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn.

And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.

Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood.

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
That we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:

So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood.

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you…

Because I knew you…

I have been changed for good.