Days 95-97: 100 Days Clean. 900 Miles In. Just Keep Walking

I hate this.

I hate hiking. I hate eating. I hate moving. I hate not moving.

I’m back with Stache and Cheese. I keep trying to enjoy it. I thought I’d have more fun this way, with more leniency and side quests. But yesterday I only had motivation until lunch, and then just tried to be the person my friends have gotten used to me being.

Bright. Bubbly. Fun.

But by the time we left camp today? I just couldn’t anymore. I can only read my book to distract myself so much.

I told Shivers how I feel.

She gets it. She’s the last of her tramily still out here. She’s finding ways to keep enjoying it. I get that.

It just isn’t fun anymore. I just keep walking so that I don’t quit. I can’t quit. I’d rather be miserable out here.

I’ve been sobbing my way down Skyline Drive. Can’t bring myself to put my feet on the trail. Can’t find it in me to care about anything other than putting one foot in front of the other. I was going to meet Cheese and Scatter at the Pinefield shelter to hang for a bit before we keep moving, but I can’t bring myself to be around anyone.

I just want to be alone. And keep walking. As far as I can walk.

I’m forcing myself to see check my water levels and how long until the next source.

Forcing myself to eat.

Can’t move if I don’t have fuel and hydration.

Just keep swimming, right?

Because if I quit now to wallow in my misery at home I’ll never forgive myself.

But I just want to go home. And I can’t. And I hate it.

I hate everything. I didn’t even really enjoy naked hiker day. I just enjoyed being enjoyable.

The things I’ve never seen before are no longer exciting.

The views feel empty. I just stare and try to feel any sort of appreciation for what I’m looking at. It doesn’t come. I keep walking. I sob until a car comes by. I quiet myself so no one tries to talk to me. It passes. I cry again.

I feel stupid and small. I’ve never felt weaker than feeling like I could go 30 miles today and still feel miserable.

I’d rather be in endless pain than whatever this is.

Rather my joints scream and burn and protest my every movement. Rather have shin splints. Rather my knee be incessant pain. Rather anything.

Crying from physical pain seems so much nicer now.

So I’ll push until that’s what’s happening. And then I’ll sleep and do it again tomorrow.

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