Embracing My Crazy

To go or not to go…

Since I made the decision to hike the A.T. my inner world has been quite the roller-coaster ride. I’ve been a royal flip-flopper of my own — internally! It’s been a strange phenomenon to witness. One moment I’m all excited to share about my upcoming adventure and how wonderful it’s going to be to leave all the day-to-day madness behind, and the next moment I’m thinking, “You really are your own kind of crazy, thinking you can and should do this trek. Crazy you are!” (Inner Yoda smirking.)

So what’s a woman to do with all these conflicting and chaotic emotions raising inner havoc, threatening to sabotage my heart’s desires?

Pray.

Cry.

Scream.

Meditate.

Walk.

Write.

Coaching tool: Know your why. Your why can and will push you through anything if you make it your focus.

So why do I want to “embrace my crazy?” No, better question, why do I need to “embrace my crazy?” Here’s the honest and transparent truth — my soul has been slowly dying for about two years now. Life sent me a compressed package of inner and outer hell (on top of many unhealed hell-wounds of my past), and because I wasn’t able to support myself mentally and emotionally alone, as I had been able to do for years, I collapsed inward, like a great, mighty black hole. All that had previously brought me light and joy was sucked away into a darkness so deep I lost the will to live.

I own that I was an extremely depressed woman, even a suicidal one at times. The infected psychic wounds of that dark period were way too scary, ugly, and raw for me to “tend to” alone. Gratefully I had friends who tried to support me and grown children who did their best to love me in spite of my “crazy.” It truly was their nonstop mental and emotional support, if even misguided at times, that kept me from harming myself. I never wanted to end my life, but depression is a sneaky demon, and if left unchecked can truly cause harm. Waking up to that frightening reality, I reached out again and again for help, until finally the help I needed showed up. And every day since, I thank the divine for friends who never gave up on me. You know who you are. I bless you eternally.

To me, “embracing my crazy” means embracing me – all parts of me – my depressions, my anxieties, my outside-the-box perspectives on life, my fears, my truths, my scars, my gifts, my hopes, my dreams. My entire is-ness. Embracing Gwen means loving all of me, even the scary, the ugly, and the raw. Even the parts of me others would change if they could! Embracing “Gwen the crazy” is me doing the Appalachian Trail thru-hike over a seven-month period. Solo.

Yeah, this why is enough.

Writing more to process. A list of my other whys to reinforce and remind myself:

–I really, really, really need a vacation.

–I’m tired of living and working for other people’s agendas and dreams. I want to finally live for me and my dreams.

–My short histories of bliss have always been experienced in the great outdoors. I want more bliss moments.

–I want to model to my daughters to never give up on themselves or their dreams. With faith, conscious work, and a commitment to self, you can do and create anything. I truly believe this, and now I want to live this belief into fruition. I yearn to show them that “you can too!”

–I need the gift of time, solitude, silence, and nature to find my center again. To heal the inner unhealed hell wounds.

–To do my yoga every damn day in the great outdoors.

–To meditate deeper on my ayurveda, Reiki, interspiritual, and eco-spiritual soul-purpose loves.

–To have the time to read an entire novel without neglecting my loved ones or daily duties, lol.

–To actually finish an entire nonfiction book for the first time in decades (I have dozens and dozens of unfinished books I will read before I die).

–And honestly, I really just want to be alone for a while. I need deep soul rest.

So, “To go or not to go?”

I’m F’N going no matter what!