FOODGASM: A day on my plate whilst hiking the Appalachian Trail

I wake up feeling hollow and hungry.

Before I eat anything there’s business to be done. That business is visiting the privy to shoot some hoops.

Important Business Dooties

I’ll then pack up camp and start hiking.

A brown log filled with nuts, nougat and caramel is the first thing I literally deep throat, the hiker hunger is real at this stage. Realistically the snickers bar looks just like the first item that left my body minutes prior.  However, recently I have a new obsession, Bart Simpson’s favorite, a Butterfinger.

My 2nd log of the day

A few hours later I’ll stop and eat my oatmeal. I have three packets of brown cinnamon sugar oatmeal packets topped off with Jiff peanut butter.

In another few hours I like to get some fruit in. Because I’m about health. I can’t be skipping on nutrients and vitamins. I’ll either have a strawberry, blueberry or cherry frosted Pop-Tart.

Health, nutrients & vitamins in a pretty sliver wrapper

I now have super women energy that carries me all the way through to lunch.

Lunch is x2 tortillas with chicken, ketchup and kettle salt and vinegar chips.  A little story is one time I felt adventurous and bought the mild spicy Takis. My ass could not take those Takis, it was a mistake.

Mis-ass-take Burn-na-ritos

A couple of hours later I need something sweet again. I want something 6 inches, big and chocolatey to enter my body. Think real big, like a meal replacement MET-Rx bar. Yum. This will carry me through until I get to camp.

First thing I do at camp is prepare dinner. I’m a cold soaker, I know I’m sitting fairly low on the insanity scale right now. Out comes the Talenti jar, in goes the ramen. Once it’s absorbed the water I top it with salted peanuts.

3 Star Michelin Ramen

I can’t forget the Jolly Ranchers and Werther’s that I’m sucking on throughout the day. I wonder if my teeth now look as typically bad as all of the guests on the British talk shows.

One more thing. I’ll usually drink x2 packets of electrolytes throughout the day as water is fecking boring.  I know I’m a picture of health.  I’m that girl, the it girl. Just like Kylie Jenner, only hotter, fitter, richer and 100% full of corn studded shit.

Oh, apologies my fine readers I almost forgot, yes, I am hiking the Appalachian Trail. Hiking primarily alone again and I’m just about to start the Northern section in Pennsylvania. IYKYK it’s the section everyone fear mongers about. It’s roughly 100 miles. I’ll let you know how I get on with this section of trail in my next article. In my article I’ll discuss a very serious important topic about flatulence on trail.

Peace out trail homies.

O yea na halfway