Four Useless Statistics About My AT Thru So Far

Humans are flawed. Luckily for us, we have completely unbiased and important number facts. These number facts tell the whole tale of my thru-hike from Springer to Franklin.

Ounces of Cheese Eaten Per Mile: 0.3* oz/mile

I have approximately a bite of sweaty cheese every mile. I eat it straight from the block like a power bar. It’s important to mix up types of cheese. I’ve had extra sharp cheddar, sharp cheddar, mild cheddar, pepper jack, and Butterkäse.

*Note: cheese stat does not include cheese from: an entire frozen thick crust pizza at Top of Georgia, several Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches, pizza at Neel Gap, cheese on burgers from Neel Gap trail magic, cheese fries in Helen, cheese on sandwich in Helen, cheese powder from box mac and cheese, cheese product in Combos snack packs, cheese on cheese fries from food truck in Franklin, cheese on Philly Cheesesteak from food truck in Franklin.

Resupply Locations Without Carnation Instant Breakfast: Three

Do you even want my money? How else do I make cold instant coffee palatable than by adding vitamin chocolate powder? Potentially more telling, I’ve only found one spot with the high protein variety of Instant Breakfast.

Catholes Dug: One

I wasn’t prepared for the privilege of having a prevalence of privies for my perfectly pampered bum. Every shelter has had one so far. Only when I broke my usual schedule did I have to finally dig my first cathole.

Ratio of Tent + Shelter to Hotel: Eight to Five

OK, OK. Now I see why people are asking if I’m even hiking. Yes, I’m even hiking. I also like to sleep in beds and dodge tornado warnings.

Further Analysis

I intend to update these statistics as I hike. I also intend to supplement them with additional thrilling, objective observations.

Calling all data nerds: use the above statistics and fancy algorithms to figure out how much toilet paper I will bum (ha!) off people by the end of the hike. Related note: I have abandoned any ambitions I once had to utilize the backcountry bidet.

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