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How To Become More Afraid
Hey! You made it! Kudos to you for being here! A normal person probably isn’t looking for the answer to this question. But you’re in good company because a normal person doesn’t choose to fly 2,000 miles south to turn around and then hike the same 2,000 miles home to Maine.
You might be thinking, “Alright Haven. You got me here with your edgy title. So what’s the scoop?” It’s Cookies & Cream. Here we go!
Who, What, Where, and Why on Earth?
I’m Haven, a 27-year-old Mainer, professional goofballer, whimsical wanderer, hope holder, frog picker-uper, fun-haver, gastropod admirer, and aspiring thru-hiker. Phew. Try to say that without taking a breath!
In a few short weeks, I will begin hiking the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain in Georgia to Mount Katahdin in Maine. What on earth would provoke me to such madness? I am so glad you asked!
- A desire to come face to face with myself, my limits, and the fears that keep me from experiencing life in its fullness.
- To connect in a new way with a God I believe is and embodies love, as I have always felt my strongest spiritual connections in nature. Thomas Merton famously stated, “Nothing has ever been said about God that hasn’t already been said better by the wind in the pine trees.”
- To embrace the adventure and marvel of carrying everything I need to survive on my back for months on end in a community and culture of fellow dreamers, doers, and risk-takers. Like, what the heck! Who does this?! I need to meet them!
- Because it terrifies me, and I am hiking to become more afraid—not to lose my fear along the way, but to find more reasons that might keep me up at night. Odd, right?
On Becoming More Afraid:
I haven’t always considered myself a brave person; in many ways, I still don’t. In fact, I’ve spent the majority of my life afraid. As a kid, I had my mom pray my fears away every night: “Bind bad dreams and bad guys and spiders.” Truthfully, I’m still afraid, but now different fears keep me up at night. I’m not as afraid of what could happen to me anymore—physical dangers or creepy crawly horrors (though I might meet a few on the trail).
I’m more afraid of who I might become because of fear—the fullness of life I might miss out on. That I might sacrifice a greater joy for the comfort of what I know. The very idea of day hiking alone used to scare me. So did camping and tenting out by myself. Naturally (or maybe unnaturally), I went out there and gave it my best shot. When the fear wore off, I moved on to something else. The fear progressed to solo hiking in the winter, then to traveling to new places to adventure in wildernesses with different threats than I was used to.
I spent a lot of time living in fear until, somewhere along the way, it just turned into living.
Fear dissolves. Fear also evolves—and so do I.
Now, if the idea of something keeps me up at night (currently, thru-hiking the AT), I am making it my nature to go and do it until it doesn’t. And then I will find something new to keep me up at night. So far, there have been no shortages of this.
What Is Keeping You Up At Night?
What leaves you lying awake—not because it’s dangerous, but because it matters to you? What’s a fear you could lean into instead of running from? Though it’s likely not a 2,000-mile hike, maybe it’s speaking up, creating something new, or stepping into some unknown. Could it be time to dust off that dream that is out of your sight but has never left your mind?
Whatever it is, what would it look like to do it afraid? To come out on the other side full of life because of it?
The Fear Collector & Her Shelf Of Brave Things
It has become my favorite pastime to whittle away at fears until I have small chunks of vibrant life to show for them–pieces to display on experience’s shelf. I am so grateful you’re here, and I hope you’ll stick around to see my collection. I have a feeling it’ll be a good one.
Here’s to the thrill of doing it afraid, in hopes that it compels in us a curiosity to keep choosing life in abundance.
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Comments 18
Be careful!
Haven,
I’m so proud of you! You are such an amazing and interesting, inspiring, and intelligent human! I can’t wait to follow your journey ❤️ I pray for God’s protection over you🙏🏻🙌🏻❤️
Thank you, Beck!! Love you so much!
Haven, have a great trip! I’m starting soon myself and am excited to meet people like you out on the trail. Happy trails!
Thank you, Elayna! Maybe I’ll see you out there! Happy Hiking!
You are brave. I relate to your spiritual love of nature and have also done a long distance hike which was amazing. Stay safe, be present and enjoy every moment!
Thank you so much!
Wild! I hope u r completely amazed and awesomely astounded by ur journey and adventure. God’s Word says he is “known by the things he has created”. When u fully realize the truth of this, then you will know u have arrived.
Thank you!
Excellent first post. Merton also said, “The purpose of our lives is to find the purpose of our lives.” I’d say your head and your heart are in the right place. Best wishes. I’ll be following your journey,
Thank you so much!
Psalms 121
A song of ascents.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
I consider Psalm 121 “The hiker’s Psalm”
Happy hiking and remember that all days hiking you are blessed because you get to choose your suffering!! And from someone who has hiked approximately 1200 miles of the AT you are only alone on the AT by choice. There will be other tents within sight when you stop each evening. I hope this helps alleviate some trepidation!!
Oh, these vast, calm, measureless mountain days, inciting at once to work and rest! Days in whose light everything seems equally divine, opening a thousand windows to show us God. Nevermore, however weary, should one faint by the way who gains the blessings of one mountain day; whatever his fate, long life, short life, stormy or calm, he is rich forever.
John Muir
What a beautiful Psalm! Thank you for sharing!
This is so good!! Haven, you inspire me! Can’t wait to follow along with you on your journey.
Thank you so much my friend!
Happy trails! I too am a Mainer that will soon start the AT. Maybe we’ll cross paths.
Amazing! Hope to see you out there! Happy Hiking!
This is such a delightful blog post! I’m a section hiker that has made it to mile 374 (and I’m headed back for the next 55 miles soon). I really love the outlook presented here, and I hope our small hiking crew runs into you on the trail. Best wishes with your thru-hike attempt! – Gushers