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I Went Home to Heal – Dealing with Grief, Guilt, Pain, and My Brain
*I’d like to interrupt my normal trail update blog posts to give a more current and general status update*
The past couple of months have been both absolutely magnificent and incredibly challenging. I’ve made good friends and also had to go home to deal with the death of a dearly loved pet. I’m having the time of my life and am more homesick than I thought I could be all the time. Not a day has gone by that I’m not in some level of physical discomfort. The novelty has worn off, and the monotony has set in. I’ve had the “what the hell am I doing here” and the “I don’t think I’m going to make it to Maine” thoughts. Taking 6 months off to hike has begun to feel frivolous. At the outset of my trip, I had plans to photograph and conduct video interviews with people along the trail, but I have fallen short of what I originally wanted to do. I’m almost two months behind on my blog posts, which stresses me the hell out. I feel absolutely ridiculous for complaining about a completely voluntary and highly privileged situation I’ve put myself in.
It can feel really lonely out there sometimes.
Today is day 65, and I’m at home. Last weekend, my partner Andrea, my friend Aajay, my hiking partner Dono, and I all stayed at a lakehouse to celebrate my 40th birthday. I was initially planning to take three zeroes and then get right back on the trail, but I decided to ride back to Atlanta with Andrea and Aajay and spend some time at home. Aside from some knee pain that wasn’t getting better, I was really struggling with my “why.” When it was the 4th day in a row of rain, my feet and knee were hurting, I was missing my son, I was mourning the loss of a pet, and my partner was at home grieving the loss of her pet; it was hard to make being on trail make sense. I felt guilty and like I was being selfish and chasing a childish dream. Like I was skirting my responsibilities and duties. I just wanted to go home. Then, the icing on my feelings cake was that I felt bad for deciding to go home. I felt like a whiny baby who just couldn’t hack it. I felt like I was letting myself and anyone who supported me down. I felt like I was abandoning Dono, who I’d been hiking with for several weeks. Brains can be mean sometimes.
One of the last pictures I took of Olive before having to put her down.
So why go back out there? Why not just stay home? Because that is all part of it. That is what I signed up for. I wanted a challenge, and I’m getting it. I am also starting to see what I’m getting out of the hike. I’m learning to adjust my expectations and be kinder to myself. I’m learning how to relax and enjoy my time. I’m constantly reminded that bad times are temporary. I’m practicing being present and mindful, and with that, I’m reminded that feelings and thoughts only hold as much power as I give them, and expressing gratitude goes a long way. I’m pushing my body harder than I ever have. I’m meeting some of the most amazing people. I’m taking photos that I’m proud of. I may not be working on a grand photo or video project while on the trail as planned, but there’s no reason to force it. I can capture what feels natural while I’m out there, and then I can always go back next year or the year after that if I want to expand on what I’ve done. I’m behind on my blogs. So what? I’m enjoying my journey and taking notes; I can blog when I have the time. The hike is hard enough work; I don’t need to make it harder by putting so much pressure on myself. It’s okay to be frivolous sometimes. I set this time aside, and I’m going to make the most of it.
Since I’ve been home, I’ve been able to look through the photos and videos that I’ve taken and have been working on launching my print shop. I’m getting caught up on writing. I’ve been able to spend time with people who fill my cup. My knee is starting to feel better, and so are my mind and my heart. I’ve had time to relax at the pool and have eaten good food. Being home is absolutely lovely. But I’m missing that trail life, and I am excited to get back out there.
Dono in a quiet moment at camp.
I’m getting back on trail on Monday to start Phase 2 of my hike and will skip ahead 100 miles or so and then pick those miles up at the end. Phase 1 was when I was close enough to home to have lots of visitors to break up my weeks. Phase 2 is about a 1000-mile stretch with no scheduled special guest stars. There are some folks that I know along the way who want to pop by or have offered a place to stay, but by and large, I will have a much more uninterrupted and immersive trail experience. That phase ends when I come back home for a job in August. Phase 3, in which I return to trail for the final 450 or so miles and to summit Katahdin. Phase 4 will be me picking up the miles that I’ve skipped. I’m looking at about a 40-mile stretch hiking south into Damascus that I will do with Andrea, which will include the Grayson Highlands (wild ponies!). I’ll also have that aforementioned 100 miles between Bland, VA, and Daleville, VA, which includes the VA Triple Crown (Dragon’s Tooth, McAfee Knob, and Tinker Cliffs). I’ll be hitting these areas in mid-late October and am hoping for some peak foliage! All in all, I’m feeling healed and focused and ready to get back out there, but for now, I’m going to savor my time at home.
I’m feeling rested and optimistic about getting back out there.
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Comments 12
Justin,
We all understand your internal struggle. You have definitely entered the “mental” part of the trail. I am so happy that you have decided to continue and “hike your own hike”. I have been enjoying your magical images of life on the trail and was heartbroken to think that they may be over. Thank you so much for sharing these amazing moments. You continue to transport me back to the trail with your photos. You have an uncanny ability to capture not only the beauty of the trail but also the emotions connected to it.
Do you plan to post or publish all your photos somewhere in the future? I’m sure I am not the only one who would love to enjoy them over and over again.
Best of luck and know that we are with you on your journey and so appreciate you sharing it with us.
-“Karo Syrup” (section hiking the trail each year…. hope to complete it one day)
Karo Syrup! Thank you so much for your nice words. ☺️
I don’t have any hard plans for publishing anything yet, but I did just put some prints up for sale on my website – https://www.justinhadley.com/atprints and I’m also sharing on Instagram – @justinmakephoto
Keep hacking away at that trail and you’ll definitely finish! 💪
Thanks for being so honest and sharing with us. Good reminders too about how hard times be g temporary and living in the present. Onward!
Thanks for reading! If there’s any lesson that I’ve taken from the trail so far it’s that – hard times are temporary! Onward indeed! 😁
Hey, incredible photos! And hope you can finish what you started when the time is right. Thanks for sharing this journey.
Thanks so much! I’m feeling a lot better and ready to get back on trail. Thanks for following along!
Hell yeah Brother 😎
Soooo happy for you getting back on trail! These mental struggles are toughest part of hiking. I also believe overcoming the struggle is the true treasure of the trip! My second thru hike of the AT was mentally harder than the first. The reward of finishing was amazing. Now that you have been home and you miss your home in the wild, that is a big hurdle to get over. The key now is to fight your sadness with food. The first symptom of starving is you feel really sad 😢. The Virginia Blues are just people not upping their calories. Eat well, Have fun, play nice and get your ass to the big K.
Also, Thank you for bringing us on your journey 😁
Yeah, I heard about the Virginia Blues but I didn’t believe it, haha. Being home has definitely helped me recharge and I’m stoked to get back out there. Thanks for the encouragement!
I just love your photos! You really have a way of capturing the feeling of a place in time. Are you posting them on any website or YouTube? I can’t enlarge them on my phone to look at them better they’re quite small.
You’re really going through a lot. I wish you the best.
Hey Holly. Thanks for the kind words! I actually just put some of my photos on my website – https://www.justinhadley.com/atprints. You can also catch me on Instagram – @justinmakephoto 😁
All I hear is a man who is being radically honest with himself and the rest of the world. I think that’s called authenticity. You’re honoring a loved one (and yourself) while taking stock of what matters. No justification needed. No shame, either. I respect you for choosing to live intentionally, on your own terms, and I really enjoy following your journey. Something that’s helped me in hard seasons: seeing them as a gift of sorts. Because that’s when we have the rare chance to conjure up the strength we have inside of us. Strength, clarity, even transformation…hard times are often the only chance we get for these to come about. And you sir, are strong. I don’t need to know you super well to recognize that. As someone commented earlier…onward!
Thanks, George. I appreciate your words! Reframing hard times is really helpful, and I try to do that as often as possible. I definitely feel like taking some time off was the right call for me. I’m feeling much better and am ready to get back out there tomorrow! Thanks for following along on my trek!