I have a saying I live by, well I try to live by, and it’s: It’s not for our comfort, it’s for our character. Maybe I read it somewhere? Most likely I did because that’s pretty profound and I don’t think I’m that deep. Maybe I’m just being humble, but that’s not like me either… Oh well, so I still live by it. It reminds me that bad things happen to good people. Jesus was crucified and I’m gonna complain that I don’t get the job I want or lose my place in line? Oh goodness, that’s just crazy to think of, right? So, I keep a loop of “It’s not for my comfort, it’s for my character” playing in my head. All things happen for a reason, whether the reason is to make me happier girl or to make me a better woman.
People hear my story of assault, abuse and trial after trial and actually say out loud that I’m too pretty for such things to happen to me. As if being ugly would make it okay for those things to occur? I shutter at the thought of people literally thinking that and I doubt that’s really what they mean, but I’m such a black or white type person, I take things exactly as people say them. Luckily, or by God’s grace, I don’t say everything I think out loud or I’d have zero friends as opposed to the very few I have, so I just type it instead and you can read it for entertainment only or take the tidbits that are insightful to you and save them for later. They’re my thoughts, so I’m gonna think them whether you like them or not.
So anyways, I set this goal to hike the AT about a year ago now and I knew 3000 or so people ventured out to accomplish the same thing each year, so I wasn’t worried about going “alone” because that would be like saying you were going to Disney World all by yourself thinking there’d be no line at the gate. I knew whoever I was supposed to hike with would come to me. God has a way of putting people in my life and taking them away, so I just resolve that I’m just a character in this story and kinda sit back and watch it play out just like you guys do. Of course I add my quips and silly faces as I play the part, but that’s just why God chose me, I think, to add seasoning to the already amazing tale.
Back to the story, I got to talking to a girl who’s gonna do this crazy trek the same time as me. I tell her I’m terrified to stay over night at these places and she says that’s her favorite part, but she is extremely shy and doesn’t fit into conversations naturally. Well, that’s my God given talent-to get in where I fit in or just stand out and not care. We are the perfect fit! We decide to start together and, at least, hang out for a few days while we get over our fears and use each other as security blankets. Plus our mothers will sleep better knowing we have a partner in this and we aren’t gonna get attacked by a bear or get robbed ALONE. We will die together or get robbed simultaneously. JK!
Moral of this round about way of telling a story is-God’s in control of this. I’ve made my plans to do things and it not work out. I was upset, even cried a little, threw my fits and then heard,”It’s not for my comfort.” and I wiped my tears, blew my nose and tucked my faith back in my pocket to fight another day. Not so say I didn’t try to make plans again that were derailed and I cried again, but I just kept getting back up and dusting myself off. God doesn’t set me up to fail, He is trying to teach me, I just don’t learn the first time. He answers my prayers, they’re just not all YES answers. Sometimes they’re NO and, my favorites, NOT YET.
So when you ask me questions about what I’m gonna do or how many miles I’m planning on doing and I say I don’t know, that’s just me living by faith. I’m not ill prepared or cocky. Trust me, I’m as scared for me as you are, but I’ve lived as this character in this particular story for 39 years. She’s been through some pretty gnarly things, but she has 100% success rate of surviving it, so I’m pretty confident I’ll make it through this too. Not because I’m tough or strong enough, but because I don’t go into this alone. I never planned on doing it solo. Even if I had no intention of doing it with a certain person, I always planned on doing this with God right beside me. He’s the one that got me through this whole story unscathed and I trust He will see me through to the other side of this too. I hand Him fear and He gives me back faith.
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