Secret Chatter of an AT Thru Hiker

It’s been a while since I’ve written. The reason for my literary dereliction is twofold. I’ve been extremely fatigued by the end of the day. Too tired to stretch, too tired to talk, too tired to walk. The other reason is more technological in nature…”so sorry I can’t blog, watching Netflix, bye!”

Upon further reflection, the reasons you haven’t heard from me are “many fold”. You haven’t heard from me in a while because I forget there’s a whole world outside of the Appalachian Trail! For instance, I take a side trip to the grocery store and although I’m keenly aware of other shoppers, my peripheral mind is sharply focused on trail things. I need to resupply. What new types of foods can I buy? I can’t stomach Knorr sides and tuna packets anymore. I experiment with frozen dinners, cans of soup and bags of salad.

On other occasions, I hike through towns and see folks mowing lawns, driving to work or playing with their kids. These activities are happening but they feel illusory. They’re real but they feel distorted in some way. Thus, I am still a part of the world beyond the Appalachian Trail but right now, my body, mind and soul belong to the trail.

You haven’t heard from me in a while because so much has transpired within and outside of me in the past months. How do I sum it up? How do I bring the words to paper?

As I walk the trail, I pass the time with “Thought Bubbles”, internal speech bubbles that Jiffy pop in my head.

Thought Bubble #1- What I’m Thinking

These days my walking thoughts range from deciding on my next snack to how far I will walk before resting. I have noticed, however, that if I let my mind drift too long, I create dramatic scenarios. I call these scenarios “thoughts” but they’re better defined as “feelings”. The definition of feeling is “a belief, especially a vague or irrational one”. In some scenarios, I play out a scene where I’m mauled by a bear, injured by a fall or swarmed by bees. While at first I was convinced these feelings were anxiety related, I reconsidered. These feelings are not alarming to me, they are imaginative and creative.

After the first several weeks of hiking, the plots metamorphosed from dark to light. I went from fending off predators to performing forest rescues and nursing baby bears back to health.

I hoped these story lines would recede after hours of walking or teach me a lesson, at the very least. Neither ebb nor flow ensued so I adapted by rerouting my thoughts, instead of attacking them with judgement.

I also use podcasts, audibles and music to fill the time. These days I’m listening to “Four Hundred Souls”, an iconic retelling of Black history from the 1600’s to present. My ears are also scintillated by the sounds of American folk music, gospel or HIIT songs from my spin instructor days.

Thought Bubble #2 – What’s Everyone Else Doing?

I have moments when I’m walking and thinking about folks who are living their day to day life in the world which I term the “other world”. They are routinely waking up to the alarm, making coffee and checking emails. Conversely, I am waking up to song birds, rolling up my air mattress and breathing in the excitement, or despair (depending on my mood), of the upcoming day’s hike. I have no opinion on which routine is wrong or right, better or worse. I simply note the distinction between the rituals in the “other world” versus trail life.

Thought Bubble #3 – Channeling Internal Motivation

As I walk, I recognize there are no crowds, no high fives, no bullhorns. There is no cheering section. It’s just you against you.

Thought Bubble #4 – The F’ing Mountains

There were days at the beginning of the trail when I would get mad at the mountains for rising. Why are there so many damn up and downs? I didn’t see a purpose for ascend, descend, ascend, descend on repeat.

I surrendered to the climbs and my anger turned to acceptance. There will ups, downs, highs, lows.

Thought Bubble #5 – Am I Cut Out for This?

This is the most mentally challenging thing I’ve ever done. I thought I was mentally weak. I am not.

Imagine rising every morning tasked with walking at least 15 miles that day, and every day thereafter, for the next 150+ days. I couldn’t always find the drive to perform on my own. David Goggins audible books, as well as self talk, helped me get through challenging days. When I finished Goggin’s books, I longed for him to write a new one. Subsequently, it registered that I don’t need another book. The content of these books was a tool. The “doing” gave me the strength.

Thought Bubble #6 – Look at the Tree Holes

Ever notice the gaping holes in dead or dying trees throughout the forest? The holes could be caused by rot, invasive species or animals. Ever climb over a heap of rocks and observe  the dark crevices between them? Could it be home to giant spiders or slithering snakes? At the start of my thru hike, I would run past these dark spaces quickly. I didn’t want to risk getting a peak of what was lurking in the darkness.

As I tramped on, I began to find comfort in nature. I was finally able to look at the tree holes. I didn’t rush hastily over the rock crevices. I became okay with the spaces that were absent of light.

Thought Bubble #7 – It’s a Catastrophe

I observed that I was losing joy in my hike by Catastrophizing. I repeated the idea in my head of this being a “hard hike”. I became aware how this label stirred negative emotions, fear and even dread. I used this revelation to reframe my hike simply as “a walk” in nature.

How many times in the “other world” do we exaggerate circumstances with catastrophic thinking? A hot day can be just that, a hot day. A phone call with bad news, a mistake or a loss don’t need to sound the alarms and invoke calamity.

Thought Bubble #8 – Dialed In

In the “other world”, our lives are laid out with an illusion of guarantees. We wake up with an inner confidence that our job will continue to employ us. We leave for the day with a subconscious assurance that we are going to make it home in the evening to prepare dinner. We trust that when we go to bed each night, we will wake in the morning.

In the woods, we have a gentle knowing that nothing is guaranteed. We wake up every day with an acute awareness that we could break an ankle, get a call to come home, reach an unplanned destination. We are aware that each day on trail is a gift, not a guarantee.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy writing the story of my life stamped into the earth by the treads beneath my feet. My words sung into the breeze by the air breathed in and out. The essence of my dance with nature carried forward by those that walked before me and those that will follow.

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