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The AT is calling and I must go?
Where it all began.
Sometime in middle school, I volunteered at a nursing home. Over and over, I heard people say “Go travel and see the world” or “Try new things.” For most of us, that can be eating something new or going on vacation every year. For some that means leaving where you grew up to see something new.
Growing up in New Hampshire, the outdoors is prevalent, since I can remember life was about digging up worms, climbing trees, building snow forts, and rolling around in the grass. It sounds idyllic, and in many ways, it was. But I also faced difficult challenges that shaped who I am today. When I was 9, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. At that age, and in a small town, I felt isolated in conversations with others. I began to understand what that meant for my family and after years and years and years of driving into Boston, watching my mom endure unimaginable battles, and watching my family slowly fall apart, I wanted nothing more than to leave New Hampshire. I knew life was short and fragile at such a young age, remembering those people telling to see the world was something I had to do.
In high school, I saw an opportunity to get away, to go to college in another state, to see new places, and try new things, just like everyone said I should. During this time, I became more and more in love with the mountains and oceans. I would often venture into the woods alone, finding peace in the trees or floating in the waves. I was lucky my parents supported this love and showed me the magic of nature. When it came time to choose where to go to college they supported me in going to Colorado, I thought all my troubles will go away. Spoiler; they didn’t. Here’s what people don’t tell you about leaving everything behind to try something new: the stress doesn’t just vanish, and those difficult emotions follow you. I wanted to appreciate where I was, but I kept thinking about home. After one semester, I decided to leave. I loved the place, but the feelings only intensified, and I didn’t feel at home. So I took a step back, reassessed my life, and realized that I wasn’t ready for school just yet.
Turning Point.
At 19, I moved back to New Hampshire but my childhood home was gone. I moved with my dad to the coast of New Hampshire, my parents were divorced and my mom lived on her own. Everything I knew changed but the one thing that stayed the same was my love for the outdoors. I pushed myself to do more solo hikes, slowly growing more confident with my skills as a solo female hiker in the white mountains of New Hampshire. This all came to a point where I decided to go to New Zealand and volunteer, I knew it would be difficult and those tough times I felt in Colorado would resurface but after months of therapy I felt better equipped to handle them.
My time in New Zealand was incredibly influential to how I live my life today. I met so many amazing people and was constantly learning about myself along the way. I look back on that time fondly. When things got tough, I applied the tools I’d learned in therapy to persevere. I struggled, had fun, and realized just how strong I really was. After 3 months, I came back home and had a much better understanding of what I wanted. College was very important to me and I ended up staying in New Hampshire and went to one of the state schools. I was fortunate to have incredible support as I worked toward my degree in psychology and outdoor education, which combined my love for nature and helping others.
After graduation my partner and I decided to move to Montana. At first, I tried to pick a more “typical” job and worked for the county GIS department. While I loved working with maps, I realized being inside at a desk wasn’t for me. I returned to what I knew I loved: teaching. During our time in Montana, we fell in love with the state and the culture. As avid hikers, campers, fly fishers, and snowboarders it is a paradise. We both had been fortunate to travel around the US prior to moving and had a good sense of what we liked and didn’t like. Despite the paradise surrounding us, New England was where we truly felt at home.
Then, my partner realized after working jobs he didn’t thoroughly enjoy, going back to school was something he wanted. When he was accepted to University of Vermont it felt right for both of us, so we went. Now, at 24 we are living in Burlington, VT. It is a beautiful place and I find joy being back in the mountains. Being close to family is an added bonus.
Why the AT?
When I tell people that I’m hiking the Appalachian Trail, the big question is always: “Why are you doing that?” For most fellow hikers, the answer is simple: it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. That is a part but there are deeper reasons for us all. One, it was always something I thought of doing. New Hampshire has a culture around the AT, and as someone who loves the mountains, I knew thru hiking would eventually be apart of my life. It might not be as grand as going all over the world but finding the beauty close by is something I have wanted to work on as I get older.
The most significant reason, however, is loosing my mom to brain cancer in January 2024. She had been battling cancer since 2009, for over the course of 14 years my mom fought everyday. Some years were easier than others but she never lost hope. She lived her life the way she wanted, her strength was profoundly influential to me. She instilled in me the love of travel and adventure, and was lucky to travel with my grandmother for the last decade of her life. Although I miss her everyday and still struggle understanding my place in the world without her, I know she loves me endlessly. The timing of moving opened up the opportunity to get a temporary job, and the idea of hiking the AT began to feel like a reality. So I decided it was time, over the past year I have been preparing for this journey.
The AT will bring up both grief and joy. That juxtaposition is what makes me feel ready for the hike. Over the year therapy has helped me feel prepared for the feelings that will come up. Grief is a strange and complex thing, and after my mom passed, I searched for others who had gone through similar experiences. I struggled to connect with people who spoke openly about these feelings. Blogging my journey isn’t just for me to look back on, but also to create space for others who may feel the same way, no matter their age, but especially those in their 20s.
I have not decided if I will be setting up a fundraiser specifically or just creating awareness. Stay tuned for gear updates and more discussion, I am also hoping to open up the conversation on grief. Please note what works for me may not work for everyone, I am not here to judge. Hurtful comments will be removed.
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Comments 12
Toni, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. You are an inspiring and resilient young woman! I hope we have a chance to meet on the trail this year. I’m looking forward to reading about your travels, and I wish you all the best for your thru hike!
I hope at some point our paths cross until then good luck on your journey!
I read your Blog Toni and I too suffered several close losses one was my best friend of decades in April of 2024 her passing hit me hard and even though its only been a short while I still miss her so much. I tried going to a grief sharing group but that did not work out for me. I lost my mother to cancer in 2018 and despite her being gone this long I still find my self wishing I had talked to her more about my self growing up but I didnt do that now she is gone. I decided to hike the at this year in hopes it will help me to heal from the losses. You are right grief is a strange and weird complexed thing. Good luck on your journey hope I see you out there some where.
A lot of what you said resonated with me. I hope it brings you peace in your journey and helps you achieve what you need in life. I hope you have a great hike and hopefully our paths cross.
TONI, this is so beautifully written. I have been lucky to know you through many of the points you mentioned and know you have the strength to overcome any obstacle. I can’t wait to see you take on this trek with grace, confidence, and resilience as you do with every challenge on your path! Can’t wait to see more of your updates!!
Reading between the lines, I see strength. The courage to keep moving forward…and sharing openly your emotions and experiences…will take you far; not on the trail, but in life. I look forward to reading more as you embark on this next step in your life journey.
Thank you for the kind words.
Hey Toni! I am so sorry to hear about your mother.
I, too, am at a turning point in my life and taking to the AT next month. I’m not exactly sure what changes I hope to undergo by doing it, but what I do know is that nature is where I am happy and I am confident that doing this will be the best decision of my life. I hope that you have the time and space to process your loss while on the AT. I think it’s great that you’re being candid about the emotions that you’re going through and look forward to following along your journey. I hope to see you out there!
The AT is definitely a great time to contemplate and allow for changes to naturally happen. I hope your hike goes well and our paths cross at some point.
Sorry for your loss. Wishing u best of luck on your journey. Much older here always had a love of hiking and the dream of doing the AT. Still hiking and camping in the white mountains for a week each year. Moved from MA to VA years ago. Looking forward to following your experiences.
Thank you for sharing the “why” of your journey. You have gone through more in your young years than some people see in a lifetime. Although I never knew her, it appears your mother left you her legacy of strength . May you have safe travels and find peace.
Thank you for sharing, Toni. I’m happy you and your partner are enjoying Vermont… I believe you’ll have so much fun hiking home 🙂