There and Not Quite Back Again: Closure Beyond the Trail

DirtNap here writing my last blog on my disappearance from the trail. 

The Start of The End

It’s not how I thought it would end. Sitting in a doctor’s office in Erwin, Tennessee, with a Staph infection diagnosis. I kinda knew my Appalachian Trail thru-hike was over.  But I had hope, the doc gave me some meds and told me to rest for a day or two. I took two more days off and was back at. I wasn’t in crippling pain for a day (probably the Vicodin the doc gave) but I crushed 20 more miles (30k) and camped out for the evening. Had a dope spot next to a stream and felt goodish. I cleaned off in the creek, ate, and went to bed.

The next day was not ideal, around 18 miles, and made it to the road, mile 395.6 (that number is engrained in my mind). My leg was properly messed up, I was hobbling badly and this was not a Staph infection, it was something else. Those who know me, my pain tolerance is quite high, but this was silly. My buddy Patty O had sent a drop box for me which was nice and I spoke to a former thru hiker friend Travis on the phone and made up my mind to head back to PA to see a doctor. One who didn’t get his medical license from a cracker jack box. 

Having some airline miles I booked a ticket out of Charlotte NC, the only issue was that it was far away, and being at The Station Hostel in Roan Mt. with no real public transport was an issue. I spoke about trail magic in the past and this gem of a human “Twinkle Toes” offered to take me to the airport on his way home. Imbibing started in the car, then to the lounges, and that did not stop for a while, it wasn’t my finest hours, and I was depressed. 

Aircast and Croc

Aircast and Croc

Finding My Way Home

Morgan picked me up at the airport in PA, they tricked me in NJ. I thought I had a flight and I got to the gate and it was a bus, no lie, a bus, they put me on a bus, and on the ticket and app no mention of that. I was hoodwinked, moving on.

Back in Pennsylvania, I went to a doctor and then a specialist. She asked what happened I told her about the trail and I had pain for 4 days and was hiking with 18-25lbs (10kgs) of gear and hiking 20-25 miles a day. Hahaha, she was in shock and awe I made it that far, I told her I was special, and she was not amused. She instantly said “It is a stress fracture”, and that made sense. I got an MRI and I was put in a walking cast and told to stay off it for around ten weeks….  

The hike I’d dreamed of for years, trained for, and thrown myself into with everything I had, was done. My feet had carried me hundreds of miles, through rugged terrain, with some awesome folks on and off the trail. But now my body was demanding something I couldn’t ignore rest, we all know how good I am at sitting still and not exercising daily. For those that don’t I have more ADD than a math book. 

I could wallow in self-pity or find closure in a way that honored the journey I’d already taken (I did wallow for a bit to be fair).

Sign in Maine

Potato Town, Up To Fort Kent, Maine

My first stop after leaving the trail was PA, where I was lucky enough to have friends and family to lean on. Shout out to The Haymakers in PA and my brother’s fam in Massachusetts. After quick stops there I was up to Maine.

Ami and Travis welcomed me with open arms, giving me a safe space to rest and process everything. Maine’s landscapes were good for my soul, but seeing the end of the trail Kathadian, hurt a bit. I kept having issues being still but Ami got through to me and after keeping on hurting myself I stopped moving a stark contrast to the relentless forward motion of the trail.

The emotional weight lingered, what does it mean to “fail” at something you’ve poured your heart into? It took time, but I started to realize that stepping off the trail wasn’t a failure, these things happen. 

Gili Island Boats

Healing in Unexpected Places

After being back in The States to deal with my pops death, and not being able to walk, I wasn’t keen on staying. So where could I go where I had friends/family? I don’t need to walk a lot, is cheap, has cats, and is amazing. I booked a ticket to Gili Trawangan, Indonesia. If Maine and Pennsylvania were about quiet reflection, Gili T was about finding joy and movement again. The island’s beaches and sunsets became my new trail, a different kind of beauty to immerse myself in. Man bun Mike, Owner of Freedive Gili, his second-in-command Veronika, and the rest of the crew were contacted to set things in motion. They looked out for me and I settled in like I never left. 

Sabjin and Wanda Bar

Sabjin and Wanda Bar

Freedving and Chilling

I hung out there for 6 months working and chilling. Got to see old friends all over, made new ones, freedove, SCUBA, and was a true man of leisure. I went back to my home in Amed and got closure there as that is where I was living when I had to go back to the States. Chilled on Bali and Gili Air (cheers Sabjin) off and on, went over to the Nusas and caught up with old friends from years back, it was grand. I even got back into running a bit for two months.

But, of course, I overdid it. Tendonitis set in, a painful reminder that I wasn’t invincible (for the most part, I still think I am). Once again, I was forced to slow down, to listen to my body, and to recalibrate. Healing isn’t linear, and it often doesn’t align with our plans.

Coming Full Circle in Taiwan

Eventually, I made my way back to Taiwan, a place that has always felt like a second home. Again friends opened their doors and spare bedrooms to me. Shout out to all that have offered and Matthew, Margo, and Stephen especially.

I am now pet-sitting, bouncing around a bit, and unemployed, but that’s ok. 

Taiwan Book

Gratitude 

I owe so much to the people who supported me along the way. To the hikers who shared their snacks and stories. To the trail angels who offered kindness in the form of rides, meals, and encouragement, you kept my faith in humanity. And to the friends and family who welcomed me off the trail, reminding me that my worth isn’t tied to my accomplishments (but I still think it is, I know I shouldn’t). You all are my anchor in the storm.

Closure Without an Ending

As I sit here in Taiwan, reflecting on the journey,  I’ve realized something, closure doesn’t always come with a tidy bow. My Appalachian Trail thru-hike remains unfinished, but I shall be back, the trail is not going anywhere hopefully. I’ve learned/been forced to listen to my body, to lean on others when I need help, and to find beauty and adventure in unexpected places.

For now, my hiking crocs are in the closet, waiting for the day when I’m ready to put them into sport mode again. Maybe I’ll return to the Trail this summer. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I know the trail has already given me more than I ever imagined.

And for that, I’m deeply grateful.

Feel free to reach out to me anyone I have met on the trail or anyone looking to hike or tips for Asia, I am TravelingTeacherTeagan on IG. Cheers

Last shout out to this site for having me and reaching out for one last post. 

DirtNap out.

Agung Volcano

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Comments 8

  • Jess : Jan 2nd

    While it didn’t end how you hoped it would, I’m glad you’re able to reflect on the journey now. Glad you’re enjoying Taiwan!

    Reply
    • Teagan : Jan 2nd

      Thank you for the nudge getting me to write this.

      Reply
  • John Spejewski : Jan 2nd

    You sound like a class 1 leach and spoiled brat.Good luck

    Reply
    • Teagan : Jan 2nd

      Hello John, I am not sure why the vitriol, but can you expound on why you think I am spoiled and a leach. I think it is great to have friends and family that are there to help me in my time of need as I have been there for them when they need help as well. Having a community is important to me and gives me fulfillment. I hope you have a close knit group of people that you can rely on and are there for you in a time of need.

      Reply
  • Wendy : Jan 3rd

    You are family to those who welcome you into their home -not a leach! One of the greatest things in life is family & the more friends means a bigger family & how very blessed you are!

    Learning to accept yourself with limitations (I’m 71 so I know) is hard & you’re working on it & know that’s an accomplishment, also.

    Your trail experience is more than what many have done – even part way – so still an accomplishment.

    I wish you well & heal that fracture to solid & get back out there & go at an easier pace & just enjoy!

    Read Jen Brown’s Appalachian trail experience this year dealing with her injury & forced to listen to her body, too.

    The best to you!!

    Reply
  • Marlboro Man : Jan 3rd

    You can hike through stress fractures if you reduce mileage. It’s a thru hike, not an ultra.

    Reply
    • jingle bells : Jan 5th

      indeed, he was cruising, and in crocs. i remember seeing his blister in his blog. wild. not a criticism, just surprising and not how i would do it.

      Reply
  • Scott : Jan 5th

    Thanks for writing this. I learn a lot from everyone’s experiences, & I hope you heal well. Good luck! 🙂

    Reply

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