Top Ten Things I Maybe Should Have Done Before Thru Hiking the Appalachian Trail But It’s Too Late Now

1. Read the book Wild.

I watched the movie, does that count? Either way trust that I am so not gonna throw my boot off a cliff like Reese. Hello, Leave No Trace. Unless of course a Hollywood director appears and directs me to throw my boot off a cliff, in which case I will, because get paid.

2. Canceled my Netflix account.

Nothing says “brb going 2 live in woods” quite like no more House of Cards episodes at your fingertips. Maybe I’m just in denial of my own fatal flaw and hurtling irrevocably toward a fate worse than any of my own nefarious designs, much like President Underwood, except my fatal flaw is having all of OITNB like right there and my fate is no more Uzo Aduba.

3. Packed a comb.

“What are you, an animal?” my friends back in NYC asked me over tapas and rosé. They were incredulous (or maybe it was just their expert contouring) until I reminded them I would be visiting salons all along the trail route, mais bien sûr. How else will I possibly keep my manicure game strong and my split ends in check?

4. Watched the Revenant.

As it stands all I really know about bear attacks I learned from my dad, who used to tell me and my brother that he didn’t have to be faster than the bear, he just had to be faster than us. Besides, according to my exhaustive research, the AT goes nowhere near the Pacific Northwest this year.

5. Cut the handle off my toothbrush.

I dunno, you guys. I don’t think it works without the handle? Am I just supposed to like, pop the bristle part inside my mouth and hope for the best / jump up and down brusquely / play some Slayer and headbang?

6. Weighed my pack.

We talked it over, and she knows weight ain’t nothing but a number. It’s how you feel that really counts. Well, that, plus how your favorite pair of blue jeans fits. It’s really the best litmus test for weight loss. Which is why my pack will be wearing stretch denim.

7. Tested out my Diva Cup.

So I mean the true diva just hits play on her inner Diana Ross and slides(?) crams(?) stuffs(?) that sucker on in, amirite? Asking for a friend. That friend is me.

8. Charged my phone.

What can I say, I get a thrill off of living dangerously. Back home in NYC I often go a whole four(!) hours without charging. And anyway I’ve already scheduled my first breakdown to happen within my first hour of hiking and a dead phone oughta do it. #overachiever

9. Asked someone who has never thru hiked the AT for advice.

Amazingly, you don’t even need to ask, ladies! They’ll let you know what’s up.

10. Made an inspirational hours long playlist called SO CLIMB A MTN BTCH.

Jk y’all. Even I wouldn’t forget such a key piece of gear. Here you go!

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