What’s the point of thru hiking anyways?

This week really didn’t bring any big revelations, just the kind of slow-burn realizations that come when you’ve been outside long enough that sleeping in a tent feels more normal than sleeping in a bed. I started the week with new shoes off a fresh zero, but also a nagging question: what am I really doing out here? The days brought deep audiobook-induced spirals, a birthday that felt both ordinary and significant, and my first tick bite of the season.

I’m officially over 1/3 of the way to Katadhin and we are realizing now that the game is becoming way more mental, now that our trail legs have arrived and we are in much better physical shape. The miles add up fast, but the real work is internal. Staying present, staying optimistic in all the rain, and still dialing in our gear. I thought a lot about purpose this week. Not in a dramatic “what is my destiny” kind of way, more like, what’s the point of doing anything if you’re not really awake for it? Is the purpose of life to really live free, or die? (NH reference)

Beginning of week existential thoughts

The week started when my best friend from high school, Sammy, picked us up and hung out with us in Roanoke. It was so funny explaining our life to someone who does not get what we are doing. We’re accustomed to life out here now and it is so normal to us that explaining it to a non-thru hiker is like describing how to live on the Moon. Why do we all have trail names? How do we know where the trail is? Are there any rules? Etc. She kept asking “why are you doing this, that sounds miserable”? And my answer was, why not? Pretty lame response so this week I’ve been working on a better one.

She dropped us off at trail and I was feeling fresh. New shoes (first pair of replacements at mile 730!), new headphones, and a new audiobook. The book, titled I Who Have Never Known Man, sent me down a spiral of thoughts. It had me questioning, What does it mean to be human? What is true freedom? What does full existence mean??

Strider and I talked about this the next morning and how we are realizing that this next section of the hike is no longer can we do this? It’s “do we want to”? The scenery on trail is starting to all blend together and staring at my feet all day is getting old (looking up for a second leads to a trip). People are starting to drop out and on the other hand, I’m getting even more and more sure that we are going to finish (knock on wood). I’m getting more and more confident that our friends are also going to finish. So now we’re all looking at each other to find purpose in our community. Asking each other, what are we doing out here? What are we out here to find? Why won’t it ever stop raining?

My 24th birthday

Perhaps the best time for me to have existential thoughts is on my birthday. I turned 24 this week and my only wish was to hike 24 miles, our biggest day yet. I woke up in the morning and immediately felt these introspective thoughts, thinking “what will 24 bring me?” I felt the back of my neck and pulled off a lone star tick. My question was answered immediately – 24 will bring a potential animal product allergy! (Only time will tell)

I did a cheesy thing where every mile for the first 24, I thought about a different year of my life. What I was doing, who I wanted to be, my friends, my family, my interests. Although miles 0-5 were a bit boring, the rest of the time I was remembering little Lauren and how I’ve always been a dreamer. It felt so full circle because now here I am, hiking my dream. Becoming the woman I so admired as a little girl. Doing something for myself, entirely. I started trying to find answers to my questions that seemed to be popping up every second. I’m out here to challenge myself. To find new community. To be a better listener. To be a better partner. To explore the country. To be kinder to myself.

We felt strong on our big day and ended up hiking 28 miles to Priest shelter. When we pulled up, everyone there sang happy birthday to me. It was so special. We shared some mini wines I packed out and all of the sudden the skies opened up and it rained so hard for an hour. We picked a bad camp spot, a bowl shaped dirt pit, which immediately became a mud puddle. I was so happy (and probably a little drunk) I didn’t even care. I spend most of my time out here wet anyways. At least I was strong enough to do my biggest day of hiking yet and share that with my favorite person. There was something extra lovely about turning a year older while living so simply. No cake, no plans, no expectations, just movement and laughter and a puddle in my tent.

Food Deserts 

One more thing I noticed this week and spent time thinking about – food deserts. When we were staying at Stanimals Hostel in Glasgow, VA, we did a four day resupply. Our only options being a small mom and pop grocery store and a Dollar General. It was an absolute puzzle for Strider and I to find what we needed there, which simply was anything nourishing. Aisles stacked high with chips, sugary cereal, shelf-stable meat, and candy, but not a single fresh vegetable in sight. Maybe a bruised banana if you were lucky. It’s not that people here are choosing junk food; it’s that there is no real choice. Nearly 40 million Americans live in what the USDA defines as food deserts (I looked it up) , places where access to healthy, affordable food is scarce or nonexistent. And I couldn’t stop thinking, if I, someone just passing through, felt stuck and frustrated trying to find something nourishing for a few days, how does it feel to live in that reality every day? It made me sit with the uncomfortable truth that health, something I often think of as a personal responsibility, is also a matter of structural inequality.

Anyways, I’m writing this blog post after reading through my journal entries, looking out at a beautiful sunset over a green, tree covered mountain. The view has me reflecting on what beauty is and what exactly I’m searching for. When I left Colorado, many people thought I was crazy to go to the AT over the “far more beautiful PCT or CDT”. I still think about this a lot. However, someone on trail this week finally put what I’ve been trying to explain into words. He mentioned that beauty can come in three different forms – micro, meso, macro. Right now, I am looking out at “macro” beauty, a large view with incredible depth and size. Meso beauty means human scale beauty, like eye level trail views and other hikers. Micro beauty can be the orange newts and the rhododendron flowers that line the entire trail right now. The AT is rich in the meso and the micro beauty, even if the macro beauty lacks most times due to fog and tree cover. Perhaps beauty can be found just by looking closer. Taking more time to acknowledge it.

I haven’t answered all my questions of course, just taking time to ponder them. Next week I’ll talk about the actual trail. Unless I figure out the meaning to the universe… (42) Thanks for reading, sunshine in the forecast all this week. It’s funny how when bad weather is projected a few days out I think, that can’t be true, it’s too far away. When it’s sunny forecasts, I take it as a fact. I look forward to finally using the sunscreen I’ve been carrying for 800 miles.