Zombies Don’t Thru-Hike
Thru-hiking during the next zombie pandemic could save your life!
I have camped in many faraway places, in the harshest of climates, and with the strangest of camping partners; however, there will never be a greater personal challenge than camping during a zombie apocalypse! Don’t sweat it, I have some well-researched tips to reduce the likelihood of you becoming zombie trail food!
When your urban dwellin’ friends are playing “hide & seek” with zombies in the big cities, you can live with relative peace on the Appalachian Trail—because “zombies don’t thru-hike.”
While your city slicker coworkers are becoming fast food snacks for the hungry hordes of mindless zombies, you can quietly dine on delectable dehydrated cuisine in the great outdoors without the uninvited undead—because “zombies don’t thru-hike.”
So during the next zombie infestation, load up your Subaru with all the granola you can carry and head for the Appalachian Trail.
Consider the following:
Don’t Bath: A thru-hiker with more than 3 days on the trail smells similar to the “un-dead”. Embrace the stink, the zombies will assume you are one of them!
A rubber clown nose: Zombies won’t eat you because they think you taste funny.
A slow-moving hiking partner: If there is ever a zombie foot chase, the un-dead will catch the slowest member of your “tramily.”
Ultralight base weight: To help outrun the zombies or at least your slow-moving tramily member.
Light trail runners: Much better for zombie avoidance than heavy leather traditional hiking boots. See above, “a slow-moving hiking partner.”
Old Spice aftershave: Clinical testing has shown it smells very similar to the un-dead. When you are cornered, and there appears to be no alternative, generously apply Old Spice to yourself and the zombies will assume you are one of them, and they will quietly move on.
Antiviral ampules, needles, and syringes: Most research has demonstrated little success with the post-bite application of antiviral medication; however, an injection within five minutes of exposure has limited but some success with preventing zombie-ism.
An armored recreational vehicle: This takes some planning and money; however, it could save your life during resupplies!
Camp above the treeline: In the absence of trees, you can see and smell the zombies for kilometers away. Note: A zombie has never been found above treeline, either in the White Mountains of New Hampshire or the far north.
Get a hammock: Zombies can’t climb trees. Learn how to pitch your hammock at least 10 feet above the ground, and then the soothing growls of hungry zombies safely below will put you peacefully to sleep.
Upgrade your trekking poles: Attach uber-sharp steel cutting blades to your trekking poles. Then your poles will have triple duty: an excellent weapon, for trekking, and for tent support.
Zombies are extremely dangerous, so consider the above points during the next zombie apocalypse and survive—but most of all remember—that “zombies don’t thru-hike.”
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