Audacious We

You face your fears because the goal demands it. -Alex Honnald

Do something that scares you each day. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Be scared, do it anyway. – unknown

It’s happened a few times over the past few weeks. The feeling of wondering if it’s worth it. The gear, the “to do” lists, the logistics, conversations with employers, the list goes on. There’s a lot to do in order to put your life on hold in order to do a thru-hike. Every now and again, I look around at how relatively easy my life is (comfortable bed, shower, clean clothes, being surrounded by people who care for me, lots of food, beer fridge…) and think ‘Is the amount of effort worth the reward of doing this?’ Couple that with the knowledge that the Sierras are getting buried with snow and yet I’ll probably still need to outrun wildfires…Top it off with the fact that the shoe I love and have been using for ?? long has been discontinued…. It would certainly be easier to stay home and live my safe, comfortable midwestern life. All of these excuses are just a way to say that I’m a bit nervous, apprehensive and maybe even a little scared.

What are you REALLY afraid of?

Now that I’m basically ready to get on trail and really all I have to do is wait for my start date, I’ve had more time to perseverate on what might happen out there. In my mind (for years!) I’ve been imagining what the journey will be like. The vistas, the solitude, the people…And as long as I am in the dreaming phase, it can be whatever I want it to: blue skies, birds singing, soft moss to sleep on while listening to a babbling brook, beautiful views 24-7….ok I’m not that much of a dreamer, but you get the idea. Earlier, I mentioned lots of snow and a shoe snafu. Before I even start, my hike is already beginning to shape differently than I thought…and I’m afraid. No not of any thing, I’m afraid of the fact that my hike might not be what I want it to be. Even worse, what if I get out there and I don’t like it? See, if I do nothing but dream about the PCT, I can make it whatever I want. But once you hit the “go” button and the dream becomes reality, you run the risk of experiencing something very different from what you thought. A sobering prospect.

“A ship is safe in the harbor, but that’s not what ships are made for.”

Hikers are a strange lot. Each of us comes about it in our own way, but we all seem to be drawn to the notion of doing something big. We feel as though we need to break out of the routine of “normal life” in order to experience something that on paper seems objectively crazy. We put careers on hold, spend a ton of money and time, strain relationships, shun most creature comforts, eat garbage, risk injury…for what? Over the holidays, my family was questioning me about different aspects of the hike; things like logistics, food, way-finding and…pooping. I explained the best practices regarding Leave No Trace – including packing out the paperwork – and they all looked at me flabbergasted. “Nobody’s making you do this you know!” My mom said (and has since repeated about 86,421,368,855,734 times). Don’t get me wrong, they are all incredibly supportive and interested in my journey, but at the same time, can’t get past the “on paper” logic of why in the world anyone would want to do this. We hikers on the other hand, look at the on trail hardships as part of the journey. We see the discomforts as stepping stones towards a greater goal – even if we can’t quite articulate what that goal might be. (I would go so far as to say that we would feel somewhat cheated if the trail wasn’t difficult!) We aren’t sure of the outcome of the hike, but are willing to take it all on – the good the bad and the ugly – regardless.

Let it go

On a walk recently, I had time to ponder the notion that the trail could in fact be very different from the one in my mind. I had to come to terms with the idea that the trail is simply going to be the trail. It is going to give me an experience. That’s it. Done. While I will have a few logistical decisions to make, I am by no means in control of my day to day situation. While on trail, I basically have two options: fight it (and lose) or roll with it. I can’t control what is given to me, but I can control how I react to it. And that makes all the difference. Being willing to accept the trail and all that it holds as one grand experience. To relinquish control and simply make the best of each day out there despite the discomfort that will come with walking 2650 miles…the audacity! Of course there are going to be hardships! We are packing a lifetime of experience into a six-month timeframe! “Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says different is selling something.” We would be crazy to think that we could go a lifetime without pain, just as we would be crazy to think that you could do an entire thru-hike without it. The trail will give, it is up to us how we take. And so there is great comfort in letting go. It frees us to live now, to experience fully without trying to control every situation. Will the trail be easy? Absolutely not. Will it be worth it? Absolutely! See you on the trail.