Half the Battle
I – Creature Comforts
It was good to be home for a bit, even if I hadn’t been gone long. Good to get a real shower in, enjoy the creature comforts, and spend time with my wife and dogs.
My morale was low leaving the Sawatch. I was feeling like I’d bit off more than I could chew, a bit disheartened, and like I had more to get done than I had time to do it in. Couldn’t sleep, appetite was fading, zero desire to move…hello burnout, my old friend.
For the four years of my apprenticeship in the trades, between school, work and life, I averaged a little under five hours of sleep a night. I have found I operate very well at around six hours of sleep and that any more causes some cloudiness. But no one is immune to burning themselves out, no matter how tough or weathered, and I’m no exception or stranger.
Burnout in real life sucks, but it’s part of the game. Burnout in training is a result of the balances being off. Who was the culprit, nutrition? Hydration? Rest? Too much pushing? Some combo?
We were moving towards the middle of July and I was short on time to acclimate. Monsoon season was in full effect in the mountains, which made weather windows sparse, and quick to close. I’m not eager to be above tree-line in another storm. I was feeling claustrophobic, like I was in a dead sprint to collide with September. This burnout b.s. needed to be dealt with quickly.
Whenever burnout presented itself prior, one of my keys to breaking through was always reminding myself why. Why sign on for eight hours of work and eight of school daily, take extra shifts at a shitty $20/hr job, and say goodbye to a social life for a few years? Easy. Family.
But why sign on to push myself farther than I ever have physically and emotionally, spend most of my free time fantasizing about, or being on mountains, and charge into burnout with next to no regard for the inevitable fallout or ballooning joints? That’s a bit harder to answer…
II – Why does everything hurt?
Part of my chore list for this return home after checking off Elbert and Massive was my bi-weekly self-administration of medication for Psoriatic Arthritis. I guess, technically, I could’ve done it camping, but I’m still relatively new to jabbing myself with a needle, so felt it best to do at home.
I’ve had psoriasis skin issues most of my life at this point, and couldn’t really tell you when symptoms for the accompanying auto-immune based arthritis first presented itself. I live pretty hard, so the idea of being sore, be it from work or play, made plenty of sense to me. Swollen sausage fingers after bouldering or a hard days work? Checks out.
A little past the middle of my apprenticeship, I realized I was the only guy icing down joints after work, or on break. Honestly, I thought we were all suffering a bit, and it was an endearing quality of humans that we all silently agreed not to bring up.
By the start of my fourth year, in 2023, I’m hanging up my climbing shoes and putting the guitar down indefinitely, had to save my hands for work. A few more months and my wife was having to open ziplock bags for me, and I was struggling to hold a pan while I was cooking, or fork while eating. Sleep wrong and this knee swelled up like a melon. Swing a hammer too many times, and good luck moving that shoulder for a few days. When I started to drop tools off of ladders at work, simply because my hands were giving out, I was done ignoring it.
This was right at the end of my over 8,000 hours of field experience, schooled in two states, super-senior of apprenticeship, and all that eating dirt was about to pay off. Pass one more test, file some paperwork with the state and my pay would almost double.
There was a lot of internal pressure I was putting on myself to just shut up and finish this race. I’d made an embarrassing amount of career changes through my twenties, and was fighting like hell to not add another to that list. Gritting through is one thing, but putting other people at risk for your own pride is another. It was well past time to find a doctor.
I SUCK at adulting. My last primary care doctor was back in Massachusetts, so I went to an Urgent Care facility. They were very nice, and needed all of ten seconds to tell me that arthritis was causing the pain and swelling. I needed to see a specialist.
“How do I get one of them?”
Turns out, not easily, as there is quite the shortage for that sort of doctor in this part of Colorado. I called in July of 2023 to schedule my first appointment, the next opening was in October. This led to x-rays in November that’d be reviewed at my second appointment with the specialist in December. Began treatment the first time in February of 2024, then experienced a lapse in treatment due to an issue with insurance, and a shift to a bio-similar generic med. That was finally resolved around May of this year.
With a few month build up time necessary, I’m just now, as I write this, at a point where the medication should relieve some of the symptoms, but I’ve been feeling good and taking great care of myself.
I completed my apprenticeship requirements in July of 2023, passed my journeyman test in August, and subsequently stepped away from the trade in September of the same year, feeling pretty damn old for my early 30’s.
I didn’t know then if this would be a temporary step back, or if I’d be starting from scratch in another new field. All I knew was I wasn’t ready to cheer on from the sidelines or ask others to move my ladder for me. Not when there had to be something I could still give my all to.
III – The “Someday I’m gonna…” List
When I ask myself now, why I’m continuing to push myself through these hoops, try to run my way through burnout, and redefine what I think I’m capable of, it comes with a lot of answers.
Some snarky, some truer than others, some are just grasping at smoke. But the catalyst that brought this all forth from a simple idea was a diagnosis where it felt like something was being taken from me.
This arthritis, where my immune system attacked my joints, wasn’t going away. Getting this news right after finishing the apprenticeship was a kick in the teeth that I didn’t handle in a particularly mature way, emotionally.
That work is already a grind on the body, add this in the mix and it was looking like I wouldn’t be able to stand straight in another five years if I stayed that course.
I thought about climbing, and about guitar. I’d already, so willingly, allowed so many concessions to this illness.
All those things I used to say I was going to do someday were fading into things I used to imagine myself doing when I was younger. Or had more time. Or money. Or drive. Or less excuses, I guess.
Something, from somewhere deep in the dregs of my mind, was shouting at me to cross something off that “someday I’m gonna” list for once. If this illness wanted to keep taking, it was in for a fight. I needed to prove to myself that I was ready to go down swinging.
IV
I was lucky in that I had the framework for the challenge in mind before arthritis forced my hand.
The idea had originally come to me on the descent from Mt. Bierstadt, my first 14er, with a childhood friend, back in July of 2022.
We had an epic day, from sunrise to mountain goats to successful summiting. It was the first hike I’d ever been on where I had to be aware of altitude. My pack was horribly packed, my layers incorrectly layered, my muscles angry and cramping, and my face plastered with a smile.
Making small talk, I ask my friend and guide for the day about the 14ers. I learn how there are 58 of them in the state of Colorado, hear about the ones he’s crossed off, and have inevitable discussion surrounding whether he’d eventually try and cross off all 58.
On a whim, I ask if anyone ever links multiple mountains up. He goes on to tell me about DeCaLiBron loop, and Gray’s and Torrey’s, and a few other popular link-ups where people do a fair bit of ridge crossing to bag additional peaks.
“What about out and backs? Anyone ever do two of those in a day?” I remember asking.
“Slow down dude, get some others in before you think bigger. Bierstadt is a cupcake when it comes to these.”
I chewed on that in silence for another couple hundred feet of descent, then blurted out to him for no good reason, “I’m gonna do three.”
V – Me vs. Me
This challenge checked all the boxes I was needing to prove to myself I was still a fighter. It had to keep me active. It had to push me, physically and mentally. I needed it to be void of competition. Above all, though, I had to be uncertain I could even do it.
The last two points were the crux of the challenge. I needed this to be void of competition and success had to be uncertain.
I’d played sports all my life and I know what happens to me when I’m pitted in competition. I know the damage I can cause, in either directions, when going against another. I knew what I was capable of when I felt like my team was relying on me.
No, this had to be solo. Me competing against expectations of myself. Me pushing me. No records to chase, no time marks to hit.
Uncertainty of success was paramount. I mean no disrespect to other athletes or competitors or racers of any kind when I say this, but I knew if I read the book, followed the prescribed routine and took the steps, I could run a marathon or a Tough Mudder or a Spartan. I’d also be sharing a personal high point with thousands of others.
I needed this challenge to come with uncertainty of success because it was the only way to keep me fully pot committed. I wouldn’t be able to know if it was even possible til I could make it out to the mountains early in the 2024 season, so all I could do in the meantime was control the factors of the equation that I could: diet, exercise, planning and logistics.
It was something I could endlessly train for, chip away at, and prep for. Something that sounded like moving a mountain at the time, but something that might, if I was lucky, seem doable if I continued to show up and work towards it relentlessly.
We’ve all heard showing up is half the battle. The other half is showing up, ready to fight, every f***ing day.
The idea dates back to 2022, but the challenge was born in the summer of 2023, and the attempt was set for late season 2024. Three different 14ers, out and backs, in under 24 hours. Best get to it then.
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