Home, for Now
I thought this would be easier.
I didn’t know what to expect being home. I thought maybe I’d want to stay, I thought maybe I’d want to get the hell out like a rat on a sinking ship. Truth be told, my week home is up and I don’t have a damn clue what I want.
I’m going back out, that’s all I know. I’m happy about that. I can’t be here in the context I have been over the past week. I’m outside it all, not a part of the ever-spinning wheel driving real life. I’m not working, that’s driving me mad. I’m not writing, that’s driving me even more mad. I’ve been working through this particular spiel for weeks now. What am I going to write about while I’m home? X, Y and Z, naturally. I thought I would be so bursting with things to talk about I’d have to fight my own hand just to drop the pen. And how much writing have I done? You’re reading it. I haven’t put pen to paper in over two weeks, much less anything post-worthy.
Library, write about Katahdin! I really should, but… Library, how does it feel to be home? Do you miss the trail? It’s a mixed bag, I… How do you feel seeing all your friends and family again? Library, what have you learned? Library, tell me your thoughts about the situation you’re in, coming home only to go back out again. Library, weren’t you seeing a girl on trail? Well yes, but… Tell! Spill! Library! Library! Library!
Shut. The hell. Up.
For the record, these are my personal prompts, not the neverending series of questions everyone else has been asking. That list is much longer and far less specific. The short and simple point here is I haven’t been writing, haven’t been able to write, until now. Not a damn thing.
And here I sit after the wedding reception, the whole reason I’m home, listless and without a clue what to say while simultaneously dying to put pen to paper. I have a burning itch to write, to describe or at least try to describe everything I’ve been thinking and the conclusions I’ve come to since being home. Then, with pen in hand and script in mind, what do I do? Draw a colossal blank. How’s that for irony?
I’m trying. I thought maybe a little Vonnegut would spark it off. Can’t pay attention to that. Need to write. Need to scribble something, ANYTHING, that might eventually resemble fluid thought.
I missed my bed. I missed cell reception and Wi-Fi. I missed driving and the freedom to go wherever I pleased without needing a purpose or having to walk there. I missed restaurants and large grocery stores. I missed my mum. I missed my friends. I missed my bar and I missed my local beer! I missed being lazy. I missed FREE TIME. I missed Netflix and the radio and sports and my enormous stacks of books.
I need to get the hell out of here. Like, yesterday. I’ll be gone tomorrow and none too soon.
I thought this would be easier.
Today, driving to the garage for an alignment, I was flipping through my CDs. Modest Mouse album in slot 1. Modest Mouse album in slot 2. Nothing in slot 3. Modest Mouse album in slot 4. CD my last girlfriend burned for me a few months before I turned that into yet another failed attempt at commitment in slot 5. Que depression. Que remorse. I saw her here, at the bar, earlier this week. We didn’t speak, didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence. I’m not even upset about it, that’s just how things go. This isn’t about her and it isn’t about the CD, it’s about my messed up brain pretending the mind-bending clusterfuck of a life I waltzed back into would be fine, thought I was fine, until that damn CD came over the stereo in the car I haven’t driven in almost a year. It’s not, I’m not.
What the fuck am I doing with my life? God knows, maybe. I sure don’t have a clue, all I know is it doesn’t include sitting here feeling sorry for myself for much longer.
The weird thing? Overall, that’s not at all how I feel about being home. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We’re experiencing a bit of turbulence. Please remain calm and we’ll be through it shortly. Please stand by. Thank you.
Why is it always so much easier to talk about the negative when the positive is what truly occupies my thoughts? I’m incredibly happy I came home for my cousin’s wedding. You should have seen how excited he was to see me! If ever I’ve felt like some sort of hero, it was seeing his face light up when he noticed me and later, when his lovely new wife told me he was practically in tears after hearing I was coming back to make it to his reception. Such love! Sorry to embarrass you Brandon, but you made my day as much as, it appears, I made yours. I love you brother. Congratulations, for what must be about the billionth time. You two are perfect together!
So much for congruency, I’m emulating a pendulum with emotion at the moment. How’s about I just don’t swing back for awhile? That’ll show ’em! Physics, bah!
Jumping back a bit: My friends, Captain and Rainbow, love my mum! And she loves them too! Awww! Let’s all make really contented cute noises for a second. . . . Perfect. Much better. They left on Tuesday, and reluctantly at that. Ultimately, Captain called me from the trailhead to see if i had a free seat in my car. He was in the process of convincing himself it would be okay to wait out the weather in Rockport with Rainbow till I get back. How happy I was to hear that! We’ll all be together starting our last leg and I, for one, am ecstatic. Sorry Captain, I know the waiting is potentially going to kill you but, there are worse things than having people who love you and want to be selfish and hike with you. Love you buddy, till it hurts if necessary. I’ll be there soon, hang in there.
My ex is actually a wonderful person. More importantly, just now, she has wonderful taste in music. I popped back home to grab my roommate and what song plays next on the CD? Scarborough Fare by Simon and Garfunkel. I needed that. Thanks Maren.
Thank you all, for that matter, for putting up with my self-depreciating bullshit. It’s been a really weird week and I haven’t exactly processed it all yet. I think I’ll hike about it.
That’s just about all I’ve got for now, hopefully I’ll have all kinds of things to say once I’m back on trail. Till then, take care folks. Cheers!
PS. Are you curious yet what’s in slot 6?
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