Meatloaf & 500 Miles

You know how Meatloaf would do anything for love – but not THAT?

Well.

I am an anomaly in that I would do anything for love, including walk 500 miles.

I have a story I’d like to share. It ties into the adventure I’m currently on – but mostly I’d like to share it because oftentimes we feel so alone in times of hardship. I simply want you to know, as my friend Spud says: YNWA – you never walk alone.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a boy.

It wasn’t because he was TDH (tall, dark, and handsome). It wasn’t because he had the most incredible eyes. It wasn’t because he had a caring heart and helped save lives for a living. It wasn’t because my heart seemed to really like the sound of his voice. Though if I’m being honest, all those things are true.

It was because he was my friend

It was because he was my friend.

It was because we both went thru some rough life patches and could talk to each other & actually understand.

I think the thing about being able to talk to someone is that if they’ve walked a mile in your shoes – that level of empathy is without price.

From the moment we saw each other, and the first kiss, there was something special. Over the last 15 years our paths have crossed but the timing never really lined up.

In 2023 when I first hiked the AZT he reached out to let me know his family had a vacation house along the trail that I could take a zero at & do laundry, etc if I’d like. Which I ended up taking him up on. Myself and 5 other hiking friends stayed at his family’s place. That’s when all the feelings came crashing down and I fell. HARD.

I’ve always been of the mindset that we should all be running towards the things that set our souls on fire. Come hell or high water, we should take those leaps into the unknown. With great risk there’s the possibility of incandescent happiness.

So that is what I did. I allowed myself all those things.

But he was not interested even tho he told me he had feelings for me. I don’t think I’ll ever know why, but that was his truth and something I had to accept. With a completely shattered heart, I did my best to walk away. I let him go.

I came across a study that compared brain scans of people who experienced massive heartbreak vs. people who were exposed to varying levels of heat on their forearms.

The people experiencing the heat reported their pain level at an 8 to be “excruciating” and at a 10 was “unbearable”.

The brain scans of those who were in the throes of a broken heart were comparable to those exposed to level 10 “unbearable” heat. Just if you were wondering about the pain level of a broken heart.

Time went by and tho I didn’t think about him as much he definitely still ran across my mind and heart.

When I started to put together this 3000 mile adventure I had a choice to make. Hike the PCT’s Mojave Desert a 4th time, or hike the AZT again.

My heart picked the AZT.

Half the reason being it’s a REALLY good trail to get yourself in hiking shape on. Truly.

I had zero expectations that he would contact me regarding my adventure. Absolutely zero.

But he did. And I allowed myself to hope.

He offered his family’s place again and to spend a couple days with me. I couldn’t believe it.

Remember how I said we should take leaps into the unknown? I did. And the time I got to spend with him tho brief, meant everything to me.

When we parted ways, I was too afraid to ask him in person if he would like to spend some time getting to know each other.

But it was my truth, and it was on my heart. So, I texted him that evening expressing how much I enjoyed the time with him and asked if he’d be interested. I dared to allow myself to hope his feelings had changed.

He never replied.

Did I hike 500 miles hoping I’d be able to give him a hug in person?
I sure did.
Did I break my own heart all over again?      Yup.
Am I crying every day on trail?
Often.
But was I true to my heart?
Always.

I will always be true to my heart.

Please tho, don’t ever love someone all by yourself. Please love them when you know they love you back. Unrequited love is level 10 unbearable.

Never stop exploring. Embrace the suck. I. Believe. In. YOU. ily <3