3 Months Post Trail

Just 3 months ago, I made it to the Northern Terminus of the PCT. Time is such a weird concept in life. Time is essentially the sequence of events and the order of experiences. It is how we measure when events happen in relation to others. It feels like time can be a concrete measurement of experiences but an illusion in our minds. 

 It feels like eternity since we got slammed with a snowstorm outside of Idyllwild just 11 days into my hike. Or hiking through the washed out trail in the Whitewater Preserve in Southern California due to Hurricane Hillary, or the poppy fields and windmill farm as we entered Tehachapi. It seems like forever since I was on top of Mount Whitney or summiting Mount Baden Powell. Or crossing through high tides on the OCT and walking through all of the small coastal towns. At the same time, it feels like just yesterday I was traversing Goat Rocks or hiking through the lava rocks in Oregon. It feels like not long ago I was eating a dehydrated tofu scramble on the edge of Crater Lake and evacuating the trail due to the Shelly Fire outside of Etna. The sense of time causes me to miss the trail every single day. 

This life changing experience has left me longing for more. I long for the adventure, the unexpected, and the beauty that mother nature provides for those who seek it out! Finishing the trail was a monumental moment in my life. I had set a massive goal for myself, uprooted my life, and committed myself fully to achieving the goal. It was a healing and spiritual journey for me.

Memories

Memories flash through my mind bringing me a sense of comfort in the trail each day. Life off trail is vastly different but the memories keep me grounded. They allow me to hold tight to the experiences. Memories flash through my mind when I am driving and a song comes on, when I get a glance of a picture on my phone, a small comment from a friend, or every time I see a beautiful sunset. All of these small daily occurrences transport me back along the 2,650 miles of the PCT.

I remember the dangerous water crossings we endured through the Sierra section. All of the kind and generous trail angels who put us up in their homes, gave us rides and fed us like we were their own children. I remember when we bushwhacked through overgrowth in North California losing trail every few minutes or the climb out of Belden in the scorching heat. I remember post-holding in waist deep snow outside of Big Bear or seeing the uniquely blue and clear water of Mirror Lake. I remember every sunrise, sunset, and starry night we were fortunate to see. I remember the exact sound the mountain lions made around our tents and the brightest colored butterflies as they circled the trail. I remember the dirt, soot, cuts, and sweat that covered me daily. The smallest daily moments bring me back to trail! 

I vow to hold these memories close to my heart. The memories will allow me to remain connected and continue to find meaning in daily life. 

So, how are you doing?

This is a simple but widely complex question that we continually ask each other in life. How are you doing? I struggle to know what that all entails. How are you doing? Pre-trial I found myself always answering with “I’m fine. How are you?” or “I am great! Thanks for asking.” As I reflect on this notion of “how you are doing” after the trail, I find that I am in this stage of grief… for a lack of a better word. My mom had brought the concept of grief to my attention. “You are grieving,” she told me. At first it caught me off guard. The idea of grief seemed to have such a negative connotation to it as if I was weak and struggling with my daily emotions. However, my counselor put it all into perspective. She said “grief is emotion with nowhere to go.” It is true and it made sense. My grief comes from the wide range of emotions I experienced on trail and emotions I am now grappling with off-trail. The loss comes from the experiences I had, the vastness I saw, the people I met, and the need for more. 

I had read about post-trail depression. The concept that hikers will struggle to transition back to their pre-trail lives. 

I have realized that on a surface level, I am the same person who started at the Southern Terminus in Campo, CA. However, the person who walked into Canada is different. The trail has taught me there is so much more to life. I want to experience life, fully enjoy each moment and navigate life with a sense of adventure. I want to experience the unknown and uncomfortable knowing that on the other side there is personal growth. I want to embrace kindness and gratitude daily. 

Happiness is not found but sought after!

As I go through this grief stage or post-trail depression (whatever you want to classify it as), I have realized that true happiness is not found but rather sought after. I understand that society puts certain expectations on us and makes us believe there are only certain ways to live. However, I experienced true happiness, genuine kindness, authentic connections, and solitude only because I made the decision to step out of my comfort zone and away from typical expectations in life. I am grateful for the trail and all it taught me. I am thankful for my current circumstances. I have the greatest support system in my family, friends, coworkers and of course Gordy and Nugget. I was able to return to an amazing place of employment where I continue to believe I’m meant to be at in this season of life. I am happy, motivated, content, and feel productive on a daily basis however there is a sense of a void. I wonder what will come next for me? As John Muir said, “Of all the paths you take in life make sure a few of them are dirt.” Where will the path lead me next?

Where will your personal trail take you?

So, I encourage you to take a chance in life! On the other side of challenges you will experience personal growth, beauty, and clarity in life! Where will your personal trail take you next? I hope for you that it will be filled with the same happiness, genuine kindness, authentic connections, and solitude that I experienced… or whatever you are personally chasing after!