Am I normal?

Just like that.  I’ve walked through another state. Oregon is pretty much done and I get to head home to California.

I expected to be thrilled at the prospect of being that much closer to home.  Don’t get me wrong; I am.  I think I am, anyway.  Am I, really?  Then why do I feel scared and nervous?

For various reasons (the fires, the closures, the time of year, my lack of speed and love of zero days), I made an executive decision: I would flip from Ashland down to the Sierras and hike north a few hundred miles.

In all honesty, it’s a great plan.  I like it.  I feel good about it.  But then why, when I purchased the bus ticket out of OR, did I get a full-blown anxiety and panic attack!?

Why?  I should have been excited.  Instead, I was terrified and questioned my logic.

I’m from San Diego, so I have been to the Sierras. I’m familiar with it and have done extensive hiking in it. But, for some reason now, I am so scared to hike alone.  Will I truly be alone?  Will I find a new trail-family?  Can I actually do this?  Am I strong enough? Am I mentally strong enough? (…after all, home is only 5 hours away…)

There is that, and now my SOBO hike is not continuous.  In my head, thru-hike success came from the ‘continuous’ part.  I guess I’m ‘annoyed’ that I am not able to have a traditional SOBO thru-hike.  (I know I should get over this.)

I’m so committed to this hike, to getting the miles I can in the time I have.  This decision had to be made.  This is the only time I have.  This is the way I will accomplish what I want to accomplish.

So why do I feel mad at myself?  Why am I nervous for the Sierras? Why am I scared, in general? Am I normal?

Now I know why (for one reason) people choose to go NOBO.  You’re truly never alone, not unless you want to be.  Now I know why people do this hike in pairs, or why they create pairs on trail.  In one way, it’s safer, less scary. I get it!  (Grizzly Gramps and I did pretty much all of Oregon together.)

It can be so terrifying to be by yourself, to go against the grain. It can be terrifying to make up your own plan, especially when those around you leave or end for whatever reason.

I don’t believe these feelings of self-doubt are limited to thru-hikers.  Again, the trail is a metaphor for life.   But, I will say that with thru-hiking, it’s different. We have the mental; we have the physical; we have the external elements.  We have quite literally what we need to survive on our backs, hopefully nothing more, nothing less.

I want to believe every thru-hiker experiences these doubts, fears to varying degrees.  Why doesn’t anyone actually talk about them?!  Or do they?  I feel like all the blogs, books, and vlogs take about gear prep and just touch upon the mental. It’s not enough.  We need more people to be real!

All I can promise is that I will always try to be.  Once  I get south and start walking north, I’ll share when I can.  Till then, I’m so grateful for my Garmin. I may be texting more in the upcoming section. I’m so grateful for my strong trail legs (thank you WA) and the feet/ankles that are tough and stable, respectively.

This may sound odd, but with these strong doubts and fears also come stronger certainties.  Speaking of gratitude, I experience mine quite literally throughout my entire body; it’s a vibration, not just a word on a t-shirt or wall.  I have felt it in so many moments in OR and WA already, so there is no doubt that the Sierras will elicit the same.

Maybe I am more ready for CA…