Take Two: Preparing for a Trauma Informed Trek on the PCT
Maybe I am the crazy one who believes in beginner’s luck? Or that the second book in a trilogy is always a little darker and of more brutal content than its siblings? I am nervous as hell for my next thru hike and I wanted to share advice and wisdom I have gained (mostly from therapy) I am using to prepare for my next thru hike.
Beginners Luck No More.
That’s right! Lucky will be back on trail this coming Spring, giving it her all on the PCT. You all get to enjoy reading my musings and moanings about the experience of thru hiking.
While, I am excited to take on the challenge of hiking the PCT. I feel I have more at stake… more invested into this endeavor. When you are a beginner at something, there is little to no expectation for your accomplishments. Everything is a personal record when it is your first attempt. However, every attempt after that should be better. Right? That’s what the data supposedly says.
And I guess I am trying to set myself up for success. I have overcome my ankle and foot pain by leaps and bounds. I can now run and I am now trying to get into the ultra marathon scene. I hired a personal trainer to get me into better shape to prevent injury. I am working on my mental health and trauma by enrolling in EMDR and hypnosis therapy.
I am doing so much to make sure that I am ready to hike both physically and mentally. I am probably the fittest and healthiest I have ever been. I eat vegetables and have really worked to regulate my nervous system and become trauma informed. I am a self help book’s wet dream. However, I can’t help but feel nervous about my next thru hike.
Maybe in an effort to quell my fears and anxieties I am sharing with you some things I am doing to emotionally prepare for my PCT thru hike. Again, I am no longer a novice and I wish I had an experienced hiker to share with me what they learmed from trail.
Get Real Comfy With Yourself!
If my AT thru hike taught me anything, it was this. You better get really (and I mean really) comfortable with yourself. You are going to learn a lot not only about your body, but also about your mind. While there is a shit ton of people out on trial and you will find your tramily, you spend a lot of your day by yourself and there is only so much you can use to distract yourself from your thoughts.
You are going to be excruciatingly aware of your body. Being uncomfortable is normal. From blisters to achy joints, pain is your new best friend. Learning to embrace the suck is tough. During my first few weeks hiking, I just remeber feeling broken down. However, I was the happiest I had ever been in three years. Despite my body begging me to not continue trudging a long, I was filled with joy.
But the body aches and pain did not make the traumatic events that haunted my thoughts leave. The bitter greif of the death of my father didn’t subside, nor did the traumatic flash backs of my abusive graduate advisor fade. In fact, they would show up more than I was prepared for.
As I mentioned before, I have signed up for the pleasure (pure agonizing torture) that is Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing or EMDR Therapy. This is a therapy that is amazing for helping to heal from trauma by using rapid eye movement to help process traumatic events. You have probably felt the effects of something like EMDR if you are an avid cyclist, runner, or even avid walker. If you have ever been on a walk and during the walk you begin to process memories or feel a well of emotions surrounding a memory? If so, you have experienced a free unguided version of EMDR! In fact the creator of EMDR, Francine Shapiro, came up with this practice while going on a walk. She found that eye movements appeared to decrease the negative emotion associated with her own distressing memories.
Get ready for your brain to start unpacking a lot of shit. While you can do your best to distract from your thoughts, you and all your thru hiker buddies are going to have days where you are going to inadvertently unpack some hard stuff. It wasn’t uncommon for me to come across other hikers sobbing on the side of trail because they unlocked a memory or worked through something just through hiking. It’s going to leave you feeling vulnerable and a little shaky at times, but your best bet is to embrace this experience. Multiple times, I would be found crying and sobbing on the side of trail as I unpacked the unprocessed grief from the death of my father. I am glad for all those who were there with me while I unpacked that grief. I received and did my best to give such endearing support from my hiking friends and family on the tough days.
Don’t Use Hiking as an Excuse to Run Away.
When I went to therapy the other day, my therapist sat me down and began to ask me questions about my reasoning for thru hiking. She wanted to know why someone would be motivated to walk thousands of miles, living out of a backpack, and be generally miserable in the woods. It is a fair question coming from a health practitioner that I pay (a lot of) money to ensure I am a well-adjusted human being. One question that stuck was, “You talk about the challenges and difficulties of thru hiking, do you think you could be running away from something in your everyday life?”
I had to take a minute to think. My AT thru hike, even though it is the best thing I have done for myself up to this point, was not a walk in the park. In all honesty, there are parts that were fucking miserable and broke me. It made me assess what compelled me to go hike again and if I was indeed running from something in my own life? In all honesty, my life post trail hadn’t been a walk in the park either, a slew of failed relationships, major career changes, and the loss of multiple freindships.
Despite all the bullshit that life brings with it, I can honestly say that there is nothing in my life I am trying to run away from. Not the IRS, crazy exes, or family conflicts. I have done the hard work and really worked to address the big scaries in my life to make certain that I honestly and earnestly want to put my life on pause and hike agian.
As a thru hiker you live a double life. One, a life that is so freeing and fufilling. A life that challenges you to put aside your preconcieved notions and forces you to find a brave space to exist in for yourself and those around you. The other, a life that is safe and comfortable, but that comfortability comes at a price of expectations and societal demands. You will truly understand the saying, “A day on trail is better than any day back home.”
It can be hard to return home and find a balance between these too lives. So much so that you convince yourself that running from it might be better. I advise you that if you are trying ot use a thru hike to run away from something in your life. It isn’t going to fix it, infact it is probably going to make it worse. As freeing as it is to skip off into the woods for 6 months at a time to pursue a vagabond lifestyle, it isn’t the cure all to whats waiting back at home.
Fear of Failing From being Underprepared for the Unexpected.
I feel the PCT is going to be a completely different beast than the AT. As I mentioned before, this ain’t my first rodeo in hiking. I walked the fucking AT and I have taken on the challenge of the Georgia Loop over Thanksgiving. I am capable and competent. But I can’t shrug off the feeling I haven’t prepared in other ways.
The thing that scares me about the PCT is that you can only do so much to plan ahead of time. Unlike the AT, where you can plan out resupplies and stops in excruciating detail. The PCT is a more fickle beast. The weather is unpredictable, there are fires to worry about, lack of water sources, and the constant threat of snow packs in the Sierra Nevada Mountians. Further, the impacts of inflation and potential tariffs on imported goods could make thru hiking costs even higher. It’s scary not having a clear expectation of what to prepare or how to prepare.
While I know my body and mind are capable of accomplishing this thru hike. I am scared that I have underprepaired in the planning stages. I look at my pile of gear that I intend to use and wonder, “Is there anyway to improve it?” I also turn to my bank account and monitor every penny that goes to my hiking fund, “Is there any way I can squirrel away a little more cash?”
I know from the amount of therapy I have undergone that this is just my nervous system trying to keep me safe. My fear of being underprepaired for the unexpected is just my anxiety doing its best to keep me safe and ensure that i am successful in my endevors. However, I can’t let myself fall into the viscious cycle of preparation anxiety. Sometimes you have to tell yourself to trust the process and wing it.
Having the ability to trust yourself and have faith in all the hard work you have done to prepare, is a very difficult act of self love. Learning to trust that you have done your best is all that you can do.
Looking Forward
I have less than 75 days until I step foot on trail and even fewer until I step foot into California. I recognize my days are numbered until I began my next big physical and mental endeavour. While I am uncertain and scared of what I do not know. I know that the steps I take now are an act of self love and an exercise in trusting myself. Worrying about the “what if’s” doesn’t help me. In the meantime, all I can do is exactly what I have been doing: showing up and being awesome in a job I love, making memories with my friends and family at home, and going to therapy to become the healthiest version of myself.
I am excited to be back writing for the Trek and looking forward to sharing my experience as I prepare for my 2025 PCT thru hike. I look forward to sharing my adventures to come!
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Comments 3
Of course you want to be prepared and what ifs are normal and even helpful, especiallyon such an endeavor as you’re getting ready for. One thing my friend once told me that helps with repeated anxiety in anticipation of an event is if it still bugs you after you have examined and prepated for it, to write the thing that still worries you on a paper and then throw it away.
The weather will likely be better than you dealt with on the AT. At least it won’t rain all the time.
Look at wildfires as a guilt-free excuse to yellow blaze around them. 😉
Can’t do anything about inflation or tariffs, so there really no point in worrying about that. (And honestly, if it ever gets so bad that people can’t even afford ramen or spam packets, there likely won’t be a “civilization” to come back to anyway….)
If your timing for the Sierras relative to the snowpack turns out to be wrong, just turn your hike into a flip-flop.
The lack of water in the desert sections… ok, I don’t know what to tell you there. If you’re going to worry about something, build tons of contingency plans, etc. it probably should be that.
I’m hearing alot of “scared, worried, excruciating, pain, suck, suffering, broken down, bullshit, etc”. As a PCT eight timer, I guarantee you it’s more of an “amazing, gorgeous, freeing, healing, enlightening, comforting, and bonding” experience. “The thing that scares me about the PCT is that you can only do so much to plan ahead of time”. Don’t plan. Grab your bag, throw three days of food in it, go to the monument and start walking. As many people do, you’re overthinking it. We’ve ben hunter/gatherers for thousands of years, now living in an unnatural environment, where we feel guilt and shame for not living up to societies ridiculous self imposed standards. Thru hiking IS therapy.