An emotional start…

I’ve been fighting back tears for the past 24 hours, and have failed miserably. I look like a hot mess and feel even worse. Seems odd for someone who is about to start a journey of a lifetime.

I wasn’t expecting this type of emotional outburst as I begin my PCT journey. I should have… for two HUGE reasons. I shared yesterday that I am overwhelmed with many feelings right now. I’m excited, yet scared. I sense the calmness the trail will bring me, yet I’m currently fighting for breath as my anxiety gets the best of me. I had a couple drinks at the airport bar, hoping my nerves would calm down. As I communicated with loved ones, I realized two things that might be contributing to these unexpected emotional outbursts.

Today felt way too familiar. I found myself “geared-up” for my journey. My bags were packed, I said my good-byes, and I walked out the door not knowing when I might see my family again. Sounds a lot like a military warrior heading out the door for a combat deployment; a feeling I have endured more than a few times. For anyone who has not had to depart from a loved one to deploying overseas… it’s an emotional roller coaster that can only be understood through experience. As an Airman whom struggles with post traumatic stress, today uncovered some very raw and powerful emotions. The familiarity was a bit much for me, and I’ve found myself in tears more than once in the past 24 hours. But this pain is nothing compared to that of cancer.

For those who don’t know me well… I am a Stage 4 cancer fighter. I am six years into remission from a cancer I obtained during my military service. While undergoing treatment, I relied on the YouTube videos from a half full of PCT hikers to get me through the nightmare of cancer treatment. I was a blogger during my cancer journey, which is a major contributing factor as to how I got to where I am today… sharing this experience with you. I made a vow during my cancer battle that I would someday hike this trail from beginning to end. Today, that dream begins to take flight.

I’m writing this as I sit here on my flight into San Diego… hoping I can still save in Airplane mode. I am exhausted. I haven’t slept and I’ve been an emotional wreck. I want this journey more than anything… but, I did not expect that I would become this emotional. I have high hopes that this will pass and that the trail will heal my wounds. Stick around and join me on this adventure.

Cheers,

Smiley

I’m be step at a time.