">
An emotional start…
I’ve been fighting back tears for the past 24 hours, and have failed miserably. I look like a hot mess and feel even worse. Seems odd for someone who is about to start a journey of a lifetime.
I wasn’t expecting this type of emotional outburst as I begin my PCT journey. I should have… for two HUGE reasons. I shared yesterday that I am overwhelmed with many feelings right now. I’m excited, yet scared. I sense the calmness the trail will bring me, yet I’m currently fighting for breath as my anxiety gets the best of me. I had a couple drinks at the airport bar, hoping my nerves would calm down. As I communicated with loved ones, I realized two things that might be contributing to these unexpected emotional outbursts.
Today felt way too familiar. I found myself “geared-up” for my journey. My bags were packed, I said my good-byes, and I walked out the door not knowing when I might see my family again. Sounds a lot like a military warrior heading out the door for a combat deployment; a feeling I have endured more than a few times. For anyone who has not had to depart from a loved one to deploying overseas… it’s an emotional roller coaster that can only be understood through experience. As an Airman whom struggles with post traumatic stress, today uncovered some very raw and powerful emotions. The familiarity was a bit much for me, and I’ve found myself in tears more than once in the past 24 hours. But this pain is nothing compared to that of cancer.
For those who don’t know me well… I am a Stage 4 cancer fighter. I am six years into remission from a cancer I obtained during my military service. While undergoing treatment, I relied on the YouTube videos from a half full of PCT hikers to get me through the nightmare of cancer treatment. I was a blogger during my cancer journey, which is a major contributing factor as to how I got to where I am today… sharing this experience with you. I made a vow during my cancer battle that I would someday hike this trail from beginning to end. Today, that dream begins to take flight.
I’m writing this as I sit here on my flight into San Diego… hoping I can still save in Airplane mode. I am exhausted. I haven’t slept and I’ve been an emotional wreck. I want this journey more than anything… but, I did not expect that I would become this emotional. I have high hopes that this will pass and that the trail will heal my wounds. Stick around and join me on this adventure.
Cheers,
Smiley
I’m be step at a time.
This website contains affiliate links, which means The Trek may receive a percentage of any product or service you purchase using the links in the articles or advertisements. The buyer pays the same price as they would otherwise, and your purchase helps to support The Trek's ongoing goal to serve you quality backpacking advice and information. Thanks for your support!
To learn more, please visit the About This Site page.
Comments 13
Good Luck! I’ll be following along!
Thanks, Chris!
One moment, one step, one day at a time….
Breathe in, breathe out….
Remember the joy….
Your life, your journey, your way….
Peace above all!
You are absolutely right, Maureen. Excellent words to live by.
Thank you.
Tears are healing, let them flow! One step at a time – stay courageous, enjoy the journey.
Foodbag
Will do, Foodbag. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.
Hi Chris,
I stumbled on your post here and wanted to tell you that I am excited for you to discover the healing that the trail can bring. I hiked the PCT in 2012 solo, and my partner and I will be starting at Campo this year, on April 10th! Getting to the start is most of the work, and you’re almost there! It will be life changing for you, just take one day at a time and give your body time to adapt. Maybe we’ll meet on trail!? -Morrissey and Five Star
Morrissey,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I hope we cross paths. Maybe at PCT Days?
Cheers!
I have always loved your blogs and how much passion you have for life no matter what. This is an amazing goal and even cooler accomplishment that I am grateful to read and watch. Your special Smiley and the Lord has big plans for you!!
Love Holly
Holly! I am so happy to see you are following me. Thank you for the kind words. I feel very blessed.
Cheers,
Your friend,
Smiley
I wish you all the good fortune in the world! And always know that you have plenty of people standing behind you, celebrating your journey.
Thank you, Jim. I look forward to sharing my journey with you.
Cheers.
Going for gold in the trauma Olympics? Nobody wants to hear about it. Pull yourself together, air”man”. Go hike your hike and keep your business to yourself.