How to Land a Hiker Babe

Hiker babes are a fickle mistress. They are a babe of a different breed but like all babes, they can be swooned.

The most important thing you, active pursuer of hiker babes, can do is realize who you are chasing and adjust accordingly. For example, when you are hunting Bigfoot you leave out bananas and when you are hunting the babes you gotta bait them into falling for you.

A rookie mistake most hikers make is they assume that hiker babes (Babeus Hikus) are in the same species as regular babes (Babeus Regularus). However, they are a different creature entirely and to get one you will need to drop the old staples of flowers, chocolate boxes and stuffed animals and speak to them in their own language.

So without further ado, here’s a list of sure fire ways to land the hiker babe OF YOUR DREAMS

1. Deli meat flowers

To a hiker babe normal flowers hold no weight. They pass hundreds of flowers and have seen the most beautiful landscapes imaginable what does a flower have to offer them. A deli meat flower however is a tasty treat that smells so sweet.

flower

Deli Flowers will entertain her for hours

 

2. Hold doors open ON TRAIL

Nowadays, babes get doors held open for them all the time. Chivalry is alive and well, babes come to expect it now. However, a hiker babe lives in a world without doors; impress them with your ability to open every privy they choose to frequent. For maximum effectiveness one should follow behind stealthily and when they make their move, swoop in to hold the door, and then swoop in to steal their heart.

photo cred: https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l-UO5DmPxjc/UCSx7RrtJwI/AAAAAAAAEes/tAcCWsujANA/s320/Privy+with+white+blaze,+Little+Swift+River+Pond+Campsite.jpg

If you’re first to the door, her heart you shall score

3. Hearts

Here hiker babes and regular babes are not so different. The woods are the perfect place to send subliminal messages to slowly win your way into the hiker babe’s heart. Walk a couple of miles in front of them during the day and mold everything (cow pies, fire pits, day hiker’s tears) into hearts. Then when she arrives at camp later her subconscious love for you will have nothing to do but become a bonfire romance

photo cred: https://farm1.static.flickr.com/83/222789327_942d598133_m.jpg

Win over the mind, with hearts of all kinds

4. Show her you can provide

A hiker babe wants to know that she can rest once and awhile and still be provided for. When sharing a shelter show her what a good provider you can be by leaving food all over and catching shelter mice as she sleeps. For bonus points fry em up in the morning and give her breakfast in sleeping bag.

FAUSQVXHMMF958Y.MEDIUM

Giving her breakfast in bag, her love will be snagged

 

5. Make her feel safe

Show your hiker babe you are master of the woods by scaring off a bear in a close encounter. This one will take some time, but if this Hail Mary lands she will be yours forever. Every night (especially in areas with bear activity) secretly stash your food bag in her tent each night. Wait until the night a bear comes sniffing around and the moment it sticks its head inside her tent to try and get a look at YOUR hiker babe, bring out those cast iron skillets you cook with and clang em together like you are marching for John Phillip Sousa.

man vs bear

Keep a hiker babe protected, a new love will be erected

6. Pick their buffet food

Hiker babes love food, but with so many choices it may be hard for them to decide what to eat at a buffet. Show your decisiveness by swiftly snatching the plate from them and piling that mound of buffet food to the heavens. Remember if she finishes her plate, she will think you are weak and that’s the only reason you didn’t put more on it. Avoid this embarrassment by using this general rule of thumb: the stacked food should weigh at least two times their pack weight.

Stack the food high, and you love will never die

Bonus

7. There’s a time when every hiker babe must become a hiker wife. DIAMONDS ARE ROCKS, WHO NEEDS THAT WEIGHING YOUR RING FINGER DOWN? Show your Hiker Wife high style by making her a cuben fiber ring to wear around the fire circle. And when someone asks you how much it weighs tell em “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it”

cf8_colorless

Give her the ring, then the heavens to sing

 

*this was a work of satire and was not intended to insult any hikers, babes or not.

Photo creds:

https://farm1.static.flickr.com/83/222789327_942d598133_m.jpg

https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l-UO5DmPxjc/UCSx7RrtJwI/AAAAAAAAEes/tAcCWsujANA/s320/Privy+with+white+blaze,+Little+Swift+River+Pond+Campsite.jpg

https://josefienddotcom.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/dsc_10461.jpg

https://cdn.instructables.com/FAU/SQVX/HMMF958Y/FAUSQVXHMMF958Y.MEDIUM.jpg

https://www.gamespot.com/forums/offtopic-discussion-314159273/is-it-possible-for-a-human-to-1-v-1-a-bear-29023210/

https://www.autismfile.com/polly-tommey%E2%80%99s-blog-%E2%80%9Clife-with-billy%E2%80%9D/every-friday-at-330%E2%80%A6

https://www.hyperlitemountaingear.com/technology

https://www.dumblittleman.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/womens-hiking-gear-main_sp.jpg

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Comments 15

  • Avatar
    Hiker BigTex : Apr 13th

    Great blog! I notice complimenting her leg hair isn’t mentioned.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    Kenny Howell : Apr 13th

    The fastest way to a hiker’s heart is through their stomach. If the the ultralite cuben fiber ring doesn’t get them excited try going the edible route. A Ring Pop worked nicely for me.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    Back 40 Tilia : Apr 13th

    Hiker Babes do appreciate all those things (including satire)…but many of them do not appreciate being “landed.” Funny, but sexist.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    Drip : Apr 14th

    very sweet, impressive…

    Reply
  • Avatar
    Spirit(Sandi lake) : Apr 16th

    I love…love your writing…keep it coming.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    DRew : Apr 17th

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-kTY_rMjM8

    Check out this short documentary that I made of my time in the Shenandoah Valley with my friends!

    Reply
    • Avatar
      George Cleavers Everywhere : Jan 29th

      What is the name of the youtube, it will not link but we can still look it up.

      Reply
  • Avatar
    Gelfing : Jun 27th

    When I read the title, I thought it was going to be sexist, but the obvious satire ameliorated my rancor! I think you should write “How to Land a Hiker Dude” as well.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    George Cleavers Everywhere : Jan 29th

    In the beginning, gulp “make effortful breathing or swallowing movements, typically in response to strong emotion” up those exposed legs then after hiking a week in the cold spring mountain air. Dare to take notice of those powerful yet graceful pair of legs. From that moment on, make every word that comes out of your mouth – COUNT! Meaning funny but not clownish, daring and mindful, cause she may well out hike you.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    [email protected] : Jan 30th

    Ummmm sexist and paternalistic.
    Did you know that the phrase “rule of thumb” comes from an archaic law which stated that a man could beat his wife so long as the stick that he uses wasn’t bigger than the thickness of his thumb.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    [email protected] : Jan 30th

    Ummmm sexist and paternalistic.
    Did you know that the phrase “rule of thumb” comes from an archaic law which stated that a man could beat his wife so long as the stick that he uses wasn’t bigger than the thickness of his thumb.

    Reply
    • Avatar
      Richard Gregory : Jan 30th

      Lair

      Reply
  • Avatar
    Paul Mrara : Feb 4th

    Woman who are offended by only because you have exposed their ultimate weaknesses, soon they will be landed too.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    Paul Mrara : Feb 4th

    Woman who are offended by this only because you have exposed their ultimate weaknesses, soon they will be landed too.

    Reply
  • Avatar
    Hermione : Jun 28th

    Did you get copyright permission for those photos or did you steal them from the authors? Even worse, are they still hosted on the original web sites and you’re linking to them live and making them pay for your bandwidth? Shame Shame. I can’t believe this is a professionally run website.

    Reply

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