How to Land a Hiker Babe
Hiker babes are a fickle mistress. They are a babe of a different breed but like all babes, they can be swooned.
The most important thing you, active pursuer of hiker babes, can do is realize who you are chasing and adjust accordingly. For example, when you are hunting Bigfoot you leave out bananas and when you are hunting the babes you gotta bait them into falling for you.
A rookie mistake most hikers make is they assume that hiker babes (Babeus Hikus) are in the same species as regular babes (Babeus Regularus). However, they are a different creature entirely and to get one you will need to drop the old staples of flowers, chocolate boxes and stuffed animals and speak to them in their own language.
So without further ado, here’s a list of sure fire ways to land the hiker babe OF YOUR DREAMS
1. Deli meat flowers
To a hiker babe normal flowers hold no weight. They pass hundreds of flowers and have seen the most beautiful landscapes imaginable what does a flower have to offer them. A deli meat flower however is a tasty treat that smells so sweet.
2. Hold doors open ON TRAIL
Nowadays, babes get doors held open for them all the time. Chivalry is alive and well, babes come to expect it now. However, a hiker babe lives in a world without doors; impress them with your ability to open every privy they choose to frequent. For maximum effectiveness one should follow behind stealthily and when they make their move, swoop in to hold the door, and then swoop in to steal their heart.
Here hiker babes and regular babes are not so different. The woods are the perfect place to send subliminal messages to slowly win your way into the hiker babe’s heart. Walk a couple of miles in front of them during the day and mold everything (cow pies, fire pits, day hiker’s tears) into hearts. Then when she arrives at camp later her subconscious love for you will have nothing to do but become a bonfire romance
4. Show her you can provide
A hiker babe wants to know that she can rest once and awhile and still be provided for. When sharing a shelter show her what a good provider you can be by leaving food all over and catching shelter mice as she sleeps. For bonus points fry em up in the morning and give her breakfast in sleeping bag.
5. Make her feel safe
Show your hiker babe you are master of the woods by scaring off a bear in a close encounter. This one will take some time, but if this Hail Mary lands she will be yours forever. Every night (especially in areas with bear activity) secretly stash your food bag in her tent each night. Wait until the night a bear comes sniffing around and the moment it sticks its head inside her tent to try and get a look at YOUR hiker babe, bring out those cast iron skillets you cook with and clang em together like you are marching for John Phillip Sousa.
6. Pick their buffet food
Hiker babes love food, but with so many choices it may be hard for them to decide what to eat at a buffet. Show your decisiveness by swiftly snatching the plate from them and piling that mound of buffet food to the heavens. Remember if she finishes her plate, she will think you are weak and that’s the only reason you didn’t put more on it. Avoid this embarrassment by using this general rule of thumb: the stacked food should weigh at least two times their pack weight.
7. There’s a time when every hiker babe must become a hiker wife. DIAMONDS ARE ROCKS, WHO NEEDS THAT WEIGHING YOUR RING FINGER DOWN? Show your Hiker Wife high style by making her a cuben fiber ring to wear around the fire circle. And when someone asks you how much it weighs tell em “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it”
*this was a work of satire and was not intended to insult any hikers, babes or not.
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