Mummy Attacks Hiker After Third Consecutive Zero Day

Ok, sorry to scare you; that didn’t really happen… yet. But it could! Stay with me.

I want to talk about why the hell I’m taking on this trail.

There are a lot of reasons, and honestly, none of mine are really that special or unique. In fact, some of them are straight up stolen from other people, including the one I’m about to talk about, ha. I saw this clip posted by Dixie on YouTube; her channel is called Homemade Wanderlust, and she has some good stuff.

The gist of the story is that when you’re born, a mummy is awakened and starts coming for you. Now, the mummy has to walk every step you take in your life before it can get to you. The mummy is slow, but it never stops coming for you; it doesn’t stop, it doesn’t sleep. So, if you keep moving, the mummy can’t ever catch you.

As a funeral director, I hear some version of this almost on a weekly basis: “Dad was the strongest man I’ve ever known, but he retired, sat down in that chair, and he was dead two months later.” You stop moving, and the mummy is gonna getcha.

I’m hiking the PCT to put some distance between me and the mummy. I’ll be thinking about that bastard coming for me when the days get long. I’ll be thinking about the hell I’m going to put him through. Every steep pitch, long boring slog, and river crossing will make me laugh, because if it’s hard for me, it will be even harder for him. Because, well… screw that mummy; he’s trying to kill me, and eventually, he will.  But in the mean, time I’m going to make him regret ever crawling out of his sarcophagus.

There are other reasons too:

  • I’m hiking because there is a lot of baggage I’m looking to unload. I don’t think leaving mental and emotional baggage along the trail violates Leave No Trace, but I’ll double-check that.
  • I’m hiking because in the future, when life’s challenges hit me in the face, I want to know I’m the kind of person who walked from Mexico to Canada because I can and I said I would. That kind of confidence can’t be gained from reading books, going to seminars, or any amount of self-hypnosis.
  • I’m hiking because somewhere over the last 44 years, I’ve lost myself, and I’m pretty sure I’ll find me out there on the trail, just hanging out, eating a s’more, next to a beautiful high alpine lake. He’ll also probably be teasing a mountain lion with a ball of string; I didn’t say he was smart.
  • I’m hiking because my tank is full from my years as a funeral director dealing with death, grief, and the general mayhem that accompanies death.
  • I want to spend day after day taking in the sunrise and the sunset in a way that only happens when you’re totally immersed in the outdoors.
  • I want to be able to say I chased my dream; no matter the outcome, I took a swing.

But I think this sums it up the best, and I’m, more or less, stealing this from the book Pacific Crest Trials by Zach Davis and Carly Moree:

Life is Short, do Cool Shit!


Photo curtesy of

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