Reasons I’m Hiking the PCT (Embarrassing Edition)

The ‘why’ story I’ve told

In my last year of college, I was working full-time and studying in my free time seven days a week. I began researching backpacking as a mental escape and as something to plan and look forward to when I was done with school. Finally, graduation day came and within a couple of weeks my partner and I did 55 miles of the PCT from Walker Pass to Kennedy Meadows. It was hellish. The first day I had elevation sickness and blisters up the wazoo from wearing too small hiking boots. I had a searing headache after ten miles and the temperature was in the hundreds. My partner was even worse, puking, nauseous, and undernourished the entire walk. The struggles didn’t matter to me. I just wanted to keep walking when our trip came to an end, so I decided I would.

The more embarrassing motivators and thoughts:

I haven’t told most people some of the less healthy motivators of my thru-hike. With my degree and work being in psychology, of course I’m obligated to analyze my internal narrative. The reason I’m disclosing these is because I want to promote letting go of the demure shame of not having the picture perfect ‘why’ story.

Run away from housework

I think that I am doing more work to keep my house nice than my partner and my roommates. I fantasize that while I’m on the trail they will have to learn to fend for themselves.

Getting away from everyone else’s things

To prepare for my hike, I am going through all my things and getting rid of a lot. I’m not proud to say that looking at my partner’s and my roommates’ belongings makes me resentful. I have thought: I don’t want to be in a shared space with so many things in it. I find myself wishing that everyone else would get rid of things and live more minimally. The Irony is that I have an entire closet in the hall dedicated to craft supplies!

To lose weight

Wait, why would I be embarrassed about this one!? Let me explain. When I was 15, I went into eating disorder treatment for the Bermuda triangle of eating disorders: Anorexia, Bulimia and Orthorexia (Obsession with healthy food to the point of being unhealthy, i.e. only eating carrots and coconut water). After years of hard work and therapy I am fully recovered and work as an Eating Disorder Recovery counselor. One of the most important things in my line of work is to model a healthy, loving relationship with my body no matter what weight it is. But I am not flawless and the thought that I could lose weight on the trail does slip in. Becoming fixated on my weight is a rabbit hole that leads me to be unkind to myself and my body.

To get away from my boyfriend

Jotting this down and was very hard. We are in love and have been committed to each other for six years. Maybe once a month there will be a little moment where I have the unspeakable (though now spoken) thought. Most of the time I think of how much I will miss him and how I wish he could do the thing with me.

 

Applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy

We all have thoughts like these pop into our heads whether we like it or not. Should we react with shame and guilt? I think not! Acceptance Commitment Therapy is an approach where thoughts are non-judgmentally recognized (I have just done this above in my confessions).

Step 1: Acceptance

Accepting is self-explanatory. Instead of thinking to yourself I am terrible for having had that thought, avoid judging your thoughts. For example, I have felt guilty for wanting time away from my boyfriend. If I make that fleeting thought who I am, then I seem like a person who doesn’t love him enough. But if I accept that thought as just a thought and realize it is not who I am, I feel relief. I appreciate that these thoughts are trying to tell me something. By writing them all out and getting to the bottom of my needs, I can address them and avoid brushing them off.

Step 2: Identify Values

Identifying your values helps you get in touch with who you are at your core and find motivation. I strive not to be the kind of person who stews about housework instead of communicating. I want to to pick up slack for the people I love because I know they will do the same for me when I need it. I also find value in nurturing my body which allows me to experience everything in life. Though cleaning house is stressful, I want everyone to feel like they have a place in our home and not feel the need to get rid of things just because of my stress. By naming my values, I realize that the negative thoughts I am having do not represent who I am. My wants and needs go much deeper.

Step 3: Commitment

Now I can make a plan of action that is in line with my values. I can commit to love and nourish my body no matter what changes it goes through during and after the trail, to not letting the stress of de-cluttering make me resentful and to make an effort to keep my relationship strong during my hike. When I commit to these things, I am rewiring my brain to deal with stressors in a less maladaptive and stressful way and make it much more likely that I will follow through with the changes I want to make in my thought patterns and relationships.

Let me know your secret reasons!

Wow, I feel a lot better now! I highly recommend trying this if you have any thoughts creeping in that you feel guilty or ashamed of. It really takes the weight of your shoulders and helps you start your hike with more compassion and understanding of yourself.

I encourage you to drop in the comments examples of some thoughts you would like to accept instead of demonize! For example, do you have the thought that you haven’t been training enough or are too out of shape for your hike? Are you resentful of people starting their hike off with more money or privilege? You might just realize you’re are not so alone and that it is perfectly normal to have thoughts like these.

ACT worksheets: https://www.actmindfully.com.au/upimages/2016_Complete_Worksheets_for_Russ_Harris_ACT_Books.pdf