How the small moments in my life became my why.

You’ve probably heard of the butterfly effect. The idea that an occurrence so small has the potential to cause a major impact. The idea that a creature as small as a butterfly could flutter its wings on one side of the world and that tiny change in air pressure could set in motion a catastrophic typhoon on the other side of the world. The idea that everything in this world, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, has the potential to alter your life. The idea that this world is deeply interconnected. 

My why isn’t an answer that comes down to one defining moment or idea. My why is rather a series of moments in my life that have led me to today, that will lead me to the southern terminus on April 30th, and that will lead me on my journey to Canada.

Love at first sight?

My freshman year of high school, I took a trip to Lassen Volcanic National Park. I remember it like a bright, hazy flashback where laughter and voices echoed over the flowing creek. We summited Lassen Peak a day prior and had just started on our way home when my mom pulled off on a roadside trail. I remember following my mom and sister down the trail, the yellow morning sun shining through the trees into a bright green meadow and that’s when I saw it- a shiny blue and white triangle with the words “Pacific Crest Trail” nailed into a tree, in one of the most amazing places I had ever been in my life. The first movement of a butterfly’s wings.

A trip to the top of the world

At 19, a friend and I snagged a Mt. Whitney permit. As we made our way up the infamous 99 switchbacks on the front side of Whitney, we ran into a few groups on their way down from a sunrise summit. I remember thinking to myself that it would be pretty incredible to watch the sunrise on top of the world (well, not the top of the world, but the highest point in the continental United States). When I summited Whitney again this past summer, a sunrise summit was the goal; but, weather wouldn’t permit. Since then, a sunrise summit of Mt. Whitney has been in the back of my mind. I’ll be on my way soon. Another flutter of a butterfly’s wings.

New Year’s in Pensacola

A few years ago, I went on a solo camping trip to celebrate the new year and I met two women- Sue and Naomi. They were both camping solo but became friends since they had been there and invited me to enjoy their campfire with them. I think it’s really hard to sit in front of a campfire with strangers and still be strangers at the end of the night. I learned about their families and their homes and their sorrows and their secrets and I still think about them to this day. 

Sue had recently retired along with her husband, with plans of traveling the U.S. and visiting every single National Park. With nothing but a dream on the horizon and a brand new RV, they were getting ready to take off on an adventure they’d been waiting for their whole lives. Her husband died of a heart attack days before they were set to leave. Left with a broken heart and an RV way too big for one, she was on that camping trip in honor of her husband.

Naomi’s bright pink smile could light up the whole world, despite the pink lipstick smudged on her front teeth. She lived a life of luxury out of her tiny green fiat with her two small dogs. You could tell that she wasn’t someone who camped a lot (the designer clothing and jewelry could’ve given that away). We talked and laughed and stayed up late into the night and I learned all about Naomi. Naomi had stage 4 cancer and she gave away everything she had to her children who wouldn’t talk to her after a nasty divorce that divided her family. She took off on that camping trip trying to live in the simplest, most peaceful way she could, until her cancer would prove to be fatal.

We all cooked breakfast over the campfire the next morning and I said goodbye to the two women, knowing I’d likely never see either of them again. Life is fleeting. Another flutter.

Officially unemployed!

My butterfly’s wings began to move faster and faster this past year. I met a friend who gave me the push I needed to commit to a thru-hike (If you’re reading this, thank you Alyssa!). I went to Crater Lake where I ran into the PCT bubble and envied all the hikers that were laying their eyes on the lake for the first time ever. I got a second job to save money for the trail. I successfully snagged a PCT permit first round! I quit my second job. I quit my job job. The final flutters.

The butterfly effect is part of the Chaos Theory, and that sounds like a more accurate depiction of my decision to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. I’m not really sure if this what you would call a quarter life crisis or if this is something that I’ve been meant to do for my whole life, but I’m ready for the chaos. 

April 30th…takeoff.