Back on Trail, a Side Quest to Franklin, and on NOC!

Day 12

My buddy has informed that I do not know how to count and, yes, my brain is rather smooth. Disregard numbers on previous post. I might fix them… Maybe…

Went back on trail today after grabbing delicious perfect coffee in Franklin. I didn’t realize how badly I have been craving coffee that isn’t instant. My bag wasn’t too heavy from resupply (finally the right amount of tasty gummy candy) and we ‘mostly’ avoided the rain. My friend Waffle and I went out on trail together, he was out for a bum knee and I was out for blisters. Surprisingly, we both crushed it today. 8.9 miles in about 4.5 hours. We decided to take it low and slow on the miles due to new shoes and our battered bodies. It appears when one gets shoes that are better fitting/better in general, ones knee problems and overall outlook see a significant improvement. I know shocking, right? I felt more confident in myself and pace today despite taking lower miles. My knee feels much better, my blisters are less swollen. My feet are a little sore from adjusting so better fitting shoes, but the miles breezed by.

Today was better. I changed it up and listen to music while walking. I don’t know if Spotify’s algorithm knew what I needed, but it played the songs I needed to hear. Music that is special to me and the tough times I have been going through. As I summited Standing Indian it played, A Complete List of Fears Ages 5 – 28 (Aprox), by The Yellow Dress. This song has been one of the few that have gotten me through my Masters program, the passing of my father, the passing of my fathers dog, and break up from my ex. When I crested and saw the view of the Mountains from the summit, I could feel how comforting the lyrics in that moment were and I cried. I cried not because of the fear or the loss, but because I realized how proud I am of myself. How proud that I am finally for what feels like a very long time, choosing me and not losing myself in the expectations of life. Not constantly giving myself away for the ‘right’ endeavors, until I am just bones. And for that, I cried out of joy. It is scary going against the grain and doing something like this, but I am going to be okay. Even though my demons followed me out here, perhaps they can be reasoned with.

Tonight we are camping near Carter Gap Shelter, A.K.A The Bear Shelter. It appears that there is a very smart and fearless bear who likes to steal food from hikers. Once again, I test my namesake tonight.

Day 13:

So I survived! No bears came visiting in the night. Apparently, the bear went and stole some other campers food. However, it was cold. At 30⁰F, it was my coldest night on trail. I wasn’t bothered by the cold as I sleep in a 0⁰F Enlightened Equipment Quilt and I was fairly cozy the entire night. But the cold meant slow going in the morning, but that had far less of an impact than I expected. I proceeded to cruise over the 100 mile mark and powered though 6 miles of trail by noon and crush 12.2 for the day. I think the shoe change is really helping me to finally find my groove. It’s actually kind of nice to not have pain with every other step, it makes hiking rather enjoyable.

It felt great to cross the 100 mile marker and get to the top Albert Mountain. While the climb to the top was less than pleasant, it was empowering to be up there. To finally say, I had walked 100 miles of the Appalachian Trail. Someone who, this time last year, was in so much excruciating pain couldn’t even go grocery shopping without crying, let alone get up a mountain (without medical intervention). I am so proud of what I have accomplished and over come, it makes me so excited to see what is next.

My friends and I decided to go back to Franklin for town food at rock gap after crushing some miles today. To have a bed and town food felt like the right call. I have caught up back to my plan and I have just hiked 20+ miles in 2 days, I think I deserve a treat and a mini resupply. I plan on trying to get to my next resupply as soon as possible. I need to get some items from a box there. So sooner would be better.

Day 14:

Two weeks on trail! It has been a blast. I am having a great time out here. I am loving the community, the support from locals in town, and this overwhelming feeling of accomplishment.

My nero in Franklin was uneventful. I came off trail feeling like crap. I think I was a touch dehydrated from doing a fast 12 miles into Rock Gap. Town food was great and getting to sleep in a real bed was amazing, but I feel exhausted burnt out and very grumpy. I suspect this is also from going off my Adderall.

I have ADHD and use Adderall while in civilization to focus and control my depression/anxiety, but due to it being an amphetamine it makes me incredibly dehydrated on trail. Adderall is great if you want to only focus on hiking and not feeling your body, but for me it wasn’t safe or necessary to continue. My brain seems to be plenty happy (enough) in the woods with the ample stimuli.

My doctor and I decided putting me on a lower dose than what is recommended, so that I may quit using the medication quickly was a safe options, but it has left me with nasty headaches for the past couple of days and feeling incredibly exhausted. The headaches along with long days on trail and then being around people all day in town, really drains my social battery making it hard for me to be a ‘pleasant’ human when I am at my limit. I am very thankful my friends, although concerned about me, gave me space to just decompress and become a human again. I knew I was in a space that I could become very mean and unpleasant, and being shitty to my friends because I drained myself isn’t fair.

After resting, my mood turned around. I got an amazing smoked salmon bagel and got a free coffee. I was renewed and ready to get back on trail. Thanks Sherpa Al for the ride back!

On average right now, I am hitting about 11 miles a day. I am pretty proud of this. I am hoping that once I figure out how to get more calories in while hiking, I will be able to hit bigger miles. Today I tried to push myself harder, but I just found myself exhausted at mile 11, (granted it was a lot of uphill and a later mid morning start). So, I am dry camping by myself. There is a campsite with people .3 miles away, but I am still a little on edge camping by myself. I have camped plenty of times by myself and I have been okay, but I am near a road and I am a little spooked.

A lot of people have asked me what I am most scared of on trail. To be honest it is not bears, snakes, or monsters in the woods. It’s people. Now, this is not to say that I am scared of all people I come across on trail. But as a white cis-gender woman, solo hiker or traveler, you are trained to be on guard and hyper vigilant. So being out here in my tent alone in the woods near a road, well that’s making me feel pretty vulnerable. Time and time again, I am reminded, that there is safety in numbers out here. From the wildlife and from people with not so great intentions.

As I sit here in my tent listening for a sound that may be a psycho mass murderer, I must comment on the behavior of some of my hiking kin. I have met too many hikers who really like to rely *too* much on the kindness and goodness of others.

Now, I understand being uncertain about making decisions, unknowledgeable in the ways of thru hiking (Shit, I don’t even know what I am doing), or trying to hike your *best* hike, but come on guys, have some decency of character and self preservation. If you are uncertain of certain aspects of LNT, bear prevention, or getting from trail to town? Just ask. Most of us who know (or even have a plan), will more than happily give you information or help you out to a certain extent. Or, if you are too shy, look it up. But don’t keep hoping that those kind hikers will keep doing those things for you or constantly bail you out.

In the end, all of us out here need to have enough wits about us to take care of ourselves. Period. Yes, the woods is relatively safe and there is a learning curve to existing outside. But, stop using hikers so you can have it *easy*, you are just enabling yourselves.

Okay. Rant done. I need to listen for a mass murdering bigfoot.

Day 15:

13.8 miles today. My longest day on actual trail!

I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep well the night before due to being alone and hearing cars all night in the road below. So, I ended up getting up early and getting an early start. I originally had bulked at the idea of doing 13 miles, it just seemed like a lot. It was… Well the first 11.4 were fine, it was the last 2.4. They were grueling.

The day over all was fine. I spent most of the day hiking by myself and I didn’t really bump in to anyone. Nothing out of the ordinary on the trail, it felt like I was between bubbles of people. Not quite ahead with the speedy folk, but also not quite behind with those taking their time.

even though the day wasn’t the most eventful, it had its pluses. I went up the tower on Wayah bald and caught an amazing view of the mountains I saw a very cute plump rabbit . I got trail magic in the form of a free beer at the end of my day. Overall, nothing incredibly eventful. I spent most of the day listening to an audio book, American Gods, and just trying to walk.

I was better about breaks and eating today. I made sure to try and listen to my body and what it needed in that moment. I know I don’t do well in the heat and today was a rather warm bright and sunny day. So trying to take care of myself as best as I could was imperative.

My food cravings on trail have become infuriating. I could be munching happily on a snack and suddenly be dreaming of a big leafy salad, a bloody steak, or ice cream. I am looking forward to getting to NOC tomorrow for a longer mid morning break, food, and a mini resupply before I get to Fontana dam for a nero. I think after the 3 days of longer pushes. My body needs another break, or atleast a shower.

Day 16:

Today was tougher both mentally and physically. I couldn’t mentally escape into my audio book as much as I pushed to the NOC today. I felt slow and inadequate. I was hiking alone, I had no one to gauge my pace and my garmin has been inaccurate when tracking my mileage. I felt like I was wandering alone in the woods. Yes, the trail was there, but time and pace felt nebulous. No matter how fast or hard I pushed forward, I didn’t feel like I was getting there any sooner. Maybe it was the anticipation to get to town food and a resupply, or I was just tired from pushing.

NOC was uneventful. I resupplied as best as I could. I got a burger, a beer, and a siesta. These hotter April days have been taxing in me. I feel drained of energy and just plain exhausted, like I am melting physically and mentally. The hot sun in the clear sky saps all my energy and makes these longer miles tougher. I am thinking about starting to take a long afternoon siesta during the heat of the day to take a nap and catch up on hydration. I think it will help to improve my mood and help with the longer mileage days.

So, I cried today. Over something stupid. I was trying to hike up the massive hill out of NOC and push to Sassafras shelter. This climb was already kicking my ass, I felt slow and my efforts felt in vain. The climb just wouldn’t stop. During, the climb my mom called to tell me she got me a room at the Fontana Dam Lodge. I had asked her to help me out, I thought I would be slower and need a reservation later. Turns out due to questionable weather, everyone has booked up every room near Fontana dam, leaving my reservation a day later than I would like and the cancellation policy is questionable.

I think I got overwhelmed, with everything. I felt inadequate in trying to get up the hill, I didn’t focus or have the energy to focus on my resupply to coordinate resupply boxes with my mom, plan where I was going, how do I resupply effectively, or why was I even out here in the woods. The thoughts and list kept going on and on. My lungs felt like they were bleeding going up the stupid hill and I just cried. I cried because i felt like I was wasting her money, I felt like I was inadequate hiker, and I cried about my inadequacy and that not matter how hard I try, I won’t get it right.

Great, another new little demon to join his friends…

Day 17:

Today was better. I am solidly walking 12-13 miles a day, which is more than I expected. I am really tired and am ready to take a break. I haven’t been into town for five days. NOC was overwhelming and trying to stay up to date on coordination and planning has been overwhelming. I think my body and mind just needs a day off, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Reminding myself that I do not need to constantly be in fight or flight when decision making is hard. I spent my most recent academic engagement terrified that if I made the “incorrect choice” that the worst could happen… It’s difficult to remind myself that no one will judge my professionalism, character, or worth based upon the need for rest and self care. I am still in a place where I remind myself that the worst will not happen when I make a decision that is the best for my well being. I am learning that there are no wrong choices on trail. The choices out here are personal and unique. No one out here is going to scream or threaten me for making a decision that serves my needs and keeps me safe.

Day 18:

Today hurt. My knee was not happy that I didn’t have it taped for a day and I had pushed hard the last few days. This last 8 miles was filled with steep downhills that slowed me to a snail’s pace. It was excruciating, being slow and in pain. It has been fine every other day until now. I think I have done too much and my body just needs the rest.

I am a bit worried for the Smokies as it will be cold and there has been concerns for snow. I think I might need to make a slight gear change. At least obtain leggings and maybe a cheap pair of gloves and send home so stuff. I am not scared of the cold… When I am properly outfitted.

I hope the Smokies will be fine. I know they will be fine. I have camped plenty at colder temperatures and it will be less than 8 days of pushing. I am certain I can do it. No, I know I can do it. It is just going to be uncomfortable. Maybe I am apprehensive about the discomfort. I know coming out here was a major sacrifice of the luxury of being comfortable, but I have felt so overwhelmed with emotional discomfort. From grief, trauma, anxiety, depression. Perhaps my fears have to do with my limits, when will it be too much? What is my breaking point? I have already been so uncomfortable physically and mentally, how much more can I take. Perhaps, I am thinking too much and scaring myself. But, what if I am not?

Ahhh. There is that demon again. Insecurity, so glad you could join the party.