How to be a Thru-Hiking Elitist
When it comes to thru-hiking, it’s absolutely imperative that everyone follows the rules (not guidelines) set by you. Here’s a few tips to help you get started helping other hikers hike your hike.
1) Reduce your base pack weight to sub 7 lbs and make sure everyone knows it. You really need everyone to know that your pack is lighter and therefore superior to theirs.
2) Hike the most miles each day. Proudly announce you have completed the most miles each day to everyone at the shelter.
3) Talk about your thousands of Instagram followers. Actually humble-brag incessantly.
4) Make sure everyone knows that if they don’t see each white blaze they aren’t a real thru hiker.
5) Post about people skipping white blazes and yellow blazing on Facebook groups. The court of common pleas is full, we must ensure the Facebookers all know that Hot Lunch(Class of ’16) yellow blazed 30 miles up Uncle Johnny’s in Erwin TN.
6) See #5… I cannot stress this enough you must post on FB groups how superior you are as a hiker.
7) Write a blog post titled “Don’t invite yourself on my thru hike” before you leave.
8) Arrive last at the shelter and still announce how many miles you did each day. (Ref. #2)
8b) Immediately wake everyone up by shining your non red lens headlamp in everyone’s eyes so they know you have arrived safely to the shelter.
9) Leave all of your carried trash at any trail magic found. They probably drove anyway.
10) Carry 2 extra sodas away from trail magic, not just 1. No one hikes as many miles as you anyway.
11) Take surface dumps immediately adjacent to the trail.
12) Throw any other trash you’ve been carrying into the fire ring before leaving camp each morning. Leave first of course.
13) Inform each day or section hiker you pass their aroma of fresh linens is offensive and they should be ashamed.
14) Never shower.
15) Wear one pair of socks until they die, or all other hikers refuse to speak to you.
16) Correct anyone misusing the term stealth camping.
17) Loudly explain Leave No Trace to anyone not in compliance. Do this with as many adjectives as possible. When in doubt summon Judge Judy (Class of ’16) for any written citations necessary.
18) Quote your best estimate of when someone’s inferior gear will break down on them.
19) Out drink everyone in town. Harass all locals for their mainstream lifestyle. Remind everyone for several hundred miles.
20) Never eat Ramen noodles. Judge all that do. Especially those savages eating uncooked Ramen.
21) Call out any hiker or gear company that does not bow down to your thru hiking superiority on all forms of social media.
22) Take everything from the hiker box you can carry. Open everything else and taste it before returning it to the hiker box. Immediately spill it inside.
23) Hike naked, the day before and day after hike naked day.
24) Spread misinformation about non existent trail magic.
25) Use an entire page in each shelter log writing your entire life story. People should and do care to hear about your 2nd grade teachers bunions.
26) Never thank trail angels, they are inferior and you don’t want to encourage them to challenge your superiority.
27) Make sure all shelter capacity is not exceeded, especially when it’s raining.( AKA Seats TAKEN!)
28) Inform all section hikers who gets first priority for all shelters on the AT. Thru hikers.
These should get you well on your way to becoming a BAMF thru hiking legend! If anyone is going to hike anyone’s hike, they better hike yours!
Chances are you have come across these types of hikers… or even been one yourself. I seriously did write the post in #7, luckily I didn’t publish it(H/T ZDiddy). If you care enough about who calls themselves a thru-hiker to complain on Facebook, you missed the whole point of thru hiking. It’s time to lighten up, laugh at ourselves and come together as a community. To stop bashing each other’s gear, stop caring who blue blazed or yellow blazed. I’ll leave you with a quote from the wise and ever-so-eloquent philosopher Raylan Givens:
“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you ran into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.” Raylan Givens – Justified
Disclaimer: Clearly this was published in jest, and the feature photo is of Wheels. I took it and he’s a hilarious BAMF thru-hiker, of the non-snob variety.
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