Hiker Box Diaries Episode 10: The Trail Haters Ball!
Trail update: I’m still walking. Anything else I say would be completely uninteresting to anyone not doing the same. I’m past 1,000 miles and doing ok. There is a video update of the past 100+ miles
“In a soldier’s stance, I aimed my hand at the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I’d become my enemy in the instant that I preach
My existence led by confusion boats, mutiny from stern to bow”-Bob Dylan
“Killing ain’t fair but somebody got to do it”– TUPAC
Welcome to the 1st Annual Trail Haters Ball. The Trail Haters Ball gives us the opportunity on July 10 in South Lake Tahoe, CA to recognize the mark-ass bitches, yellow blazers, tweaker towns, hippies, Europeans, trail “angels”, trail blankets, pink blazers, green blazers, Eddie Van Halen’s, ultra light weenies, gear heads, and moochers.
I had a job (in the private sector), unlike most of these never showering hippies out here, pretending to have fibromyalgia, Crohn’s disease, glaucoma or some other made up illness so they can get prescriptions for marijuana from the loony tunes that run the People’s Republic of California. Making peace with your neighbors is overrated. Who needs another friend who owns a Subaru with a “Coexist” bumper sticker? Not me. Hate is as American as apple pie. How else do you explain slavery, Manifest Destiny, Seinfeld or the Bernie Sanders Campaign?
Some of the marks I suppose will be discussed at the Trail Haters Ball:
Yellow Blazers– I thought PCT hikers were supposed to be better than Appalachian Trail thruhikers!? Yellow blaze city out here. Whatever the percentage of successful thruhikes the PCTA or ALDHA West recognize at the end of 2016, cut that number by 75%. I knew a few people on the AT that yellow blazed and of course I called them out. “Hike Your Own Hike” is tidy euphemism for I’m dirty, cheating yellow blazer who is too weak to hike the trail.
Lawton “Disco” Grinter– I might suggest you investigate the term “edit”. Are you trying to be the Stanley Kubrick of podcasts? Listening to a Trail Show from start to finish is 45% more difficult than a thruhike of the PCT.
Pox and Puss-The podcast is about as regular as a thruhiker who is overdosing on Kaopectate. It’s the best outdoor podcast by a mile, and Puss n Boots is a star, but this isn’t Curb Your Enthusiasm. Pick up the pace.
Portland, OR-Is there anybody left there? I’d like to go a single day without someone telling me they are from Portland. How great can a place be that has no football team, no hockey team and no baseball team? I don’t need to hear how great it is.
Kennedy Meadows Store-Capitalism called. They’d like to meet with you. Portable toilets should not go over the rim.
VVR-Great time, better people. Taking stuff from the hiker box to the shelf is wacky.
Hikertown-I felt like Liam Neeson’s daughter in “Taken”. I was sleeping in, what looked like a prostitution trailer. Since the bathrooms get locked at night, someone defecated on my doorstep.
Pink Blazers-euphemism for stalker? Where else is following someone on foot for days or weeks with some sexual conquest in mind, ok?
Lake Isabella-Tweaker City. As Silky Johnson would say “what can I say about it that hasn’t already been said about Afganistan?” Terrible fire. But in front of the Von’s there were more drug addicts than in front of a methadone clinic back home.
Guitar players-everyone hates you. Knock it off John Mayer.
Canadians-We know you love your health care system. Try not bringing it up in conversation. You been poking in our business unnecessarily since Neil Young got the “talk to the hand” from Lynyrd Skynnard. You are the Vermont of the world. Wall to wall white skin. Neil Young, Marty McFly and Wayne Gretzky all live in the United States.
Trail Blankets-knock it off. Not for me. For your dad. Thanks.
Appalachian Trail Thruhikers-We get it. You are on the thruhike. Flooding social media with pictures of crap anyone in America can see if they walk in their backyard. Like a billion people have done it. Chill. Except you, Super Trooper.
ALDHA West-Or whoever gives out the triple crown awards. This obsession with these three trails and this phony award for non athletes with a lot of time on their hands (aka unemployed), has led to these trails overcrowding. How about this, give the award to anyone who completes three or more thruhikes on our vast National Scenic Trails totaling more than 7,000 miles. You are welcome.
Mosquitos-I hate you most of all. I don’t wear deet. I don’t wear long sleeves. I don’t wear pants or bug net. I am going for the kill record. Those impede my quest. By my count, Swarzenegger has the record for most kills (63) in “Commando” (featuring a preteen Alyssa Milano, before her breakout role in Poison Ivy 2!). I am getting up to 100 confirmed kills a day. Sometimes over ten per minute.
Bring your own hate.
Come one, come all. Hate, hate, hate.
July 10, South Lake Tahoe.
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