Walking Towards the Starting Line

In less than a month I will be flying to the United States and starting my walk from the border of Mexico towards Canada on the Pacific Crest Trail. It is really hard to put my feelings into words as the thought of tackling something colossal like the PCT brings out mixed emotions from every corner of my soul.

Every day I go through emotions like gratitude, happiness, fear, anxiety, excitement, and doubt. I’ve tried to research the trail to the best of my ability. For years now, I have imagined myself on the trail. Looking over beautiful vistas and meeting fellow hikers and how life on the trail will be. When people ask about the trail, I am sure to point out how many national parks it goes by and how beautiful it will be to cross the Sierras, and this is all true. I cannot wait to see the beauty of all the landscapes I will pass and the stories I will share with other hikers.

It was after the confirmation email from the PCTA when all the negative emotions started to creep out. Planning is always easy. There is a huge sense of safety when planning for something like the Pacific Crest Trail. Like many others, I discovered the trail years before actually starting it.

I binge-watched everything online, listened to podcasts about thru-hiking, read blogs and books about it, and bought the gear. But that confirmation email, was a turning point. A point when things got real. Until then it had been about planning and dreaming, and then it happens. You have your permit, and all that safety of just planning goes out of the window. It is finally happening now, and with it comes the risks. For me it is mostly the risk of failing that frightens me. Will my body be able to handle the eight million steps, will it be a huge snow year like the year before and what will my headspace be like once I start?

Those hours of watching amazing short films about the trail have been replaced by Postholer’s reports about the snowpack, San Jacinto snow reports and reading through various posts in various PCT Facebook groups. The fear starts creeping in. The anxiety starts building up while reading comments of places like Apache Peak and Mission Creek. Comments about how some used more than 10,000 dollars during their hike. The financial stress kicks in, will I have enough money to finish the trail? Then comes the pain while training. My shin hurts from a little walk, instantly I doubt myself and my body.

I know there will be physical and mental pain. I know my body will experience fatigue like ever before.   How will I tackle all of it? It is quite simple, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. But winning all these fears will start by just taking the first steps on the PCT. Crossing over that starting line at Campo, California. On the other side of that line is freedom. The kind of freedom that can never be taken away from me. Freedom from my self-imposed limitations.

I really struggle with my own fear and self-doubt about walking the PCT, but I also know that once I cross over that starting line, I will grant the gift of freedom to myself. Freedom from my fears, self-doubt, and my imposed limitations. I understand that this gift of freedom I am talking about is only received by a few chosen ones. But it is available to each and every one of us, we just need to take on challenges that are out of our comfort zone.

It is challenges like these that force us to grow. To expand our capacity, to be and do more then we have been and done in the past. This is true freedom.