Girl Talk at New River, Letting Go of Blame and Releasing Energetic Ties

Pearis Cemetery Parking to Symm’s Gap:

     At the break of dawn, I felt extremely aroused and started insinuating to Voodoo that I wanted him. I was usually the one making the first move to play, but I never minded. I lightheartedly woke him up as I kissed his high cheeks and grabbed at his bulge—his cock always ready for me first thing in the morning.

     Once we became fully aroused for one another, he told me to meet him in the bathroom and so I did. I felt so horny and ready for him. He said he would grab our towels so we could wash up afterwards. He came in with the towels completely soaked and asked why I left them outside in the rain. I had put them on top of the hammock strap overnight, but forgot to slip them underneath the tarp.

     I laughed it off and said, “I forgot. Plus, I assumed it wouldn’t be raining.”

     He said, “Well, now we’re going to have wet towels,” then sighed, “I just want to know what made you think to put the towels there when I specifically told you it was going to rain. I just want to know your thought process.”

     “Babe, I’m not doing this right now,” I said.

     I could sense how he wanted me to react and play the blame game. Instead, I caressed his hair and walked out the door.

     This year, I had been picking up on how drastically my way of thinking had shifted. I didn’t even know when it apparently happened. I remembered being in similar situations in the past and I would still fuck the guy in front of me even though my mind wasn’t with him. I would’ve basically used him to get myself off despite feeling upset. I wasn’t open to playing the game of having sex when I was feeling down. Nothing about that felt attractive to me anymore.

     Shortly after that experience, Pringles picked me up and took me to the New River in Ripplemead so we could have some girl time. She bought me a box of apple fritters as she knew I would be craving those doughy treats during my moon.

     As we watched the waves roll on by, she offered some advice on what she learned through her experience with men over the years. She helped me regain the confidence in myself and to hold courage for myself when it came to holding boundaries and expressing myself through vulnerability/femininity. She re-sparked in me what it meant to follow my heart and to remember that I was worthy of only the Highest Love.

     Pringles dropped me off back at the hostel. Voodoo ran up to me and said, “Babe, I’m sorry for what happened this morning. I overreacted,” he held me close and continued, “I really don’t want you to remember me as the guy who complained all the time.”

     He was starting to recognize that I enjoyed when a man was a man. Meaning, he didn’t let emotional waves override him.

     “I’m really just not into playing those blame games anymore,” I responded, “I’m not attracted to being around people that try to instigate me to be on that level. I’m attracted to people who laugh about shit like that with me.”

     He said he just wasn’t a morning person and I said, “Okay, then just sleep in. You don’t have to wake up just because I’m feeling horny.”

     Right in that moment, I felt another shift. I used to stop myself from speaking my mind and lately I had just been expressing without a trace of stuttering. It felt good to honor myself.

     He was also really attentive and took in everything I said which made me feel I was being heard. I could feel how he wanted to be a better man—for himself, not for me.

     Later on, I told him I had to go to the bathroom to take care of my menstrual situation.

     He took a hit of his cigarette and asked, “Do you need help with that?”

     With my eyes, I smiled “yes”. (Adult version continued on my site)

     When we came out of the bathroom, one of the hiker guys teased, “Don’t go breaking any sinks.”

     I put on my neon orange socks, packed up my items and said my “goodbyes” to Voodoo. Then, I got a shuttle back to the trailhead. Voodoo and I farewell kissed, but something told me we would be reuniting soon.

     For the first couple hours of hiking, I felt a sense of sadness. It felt as though I was letting go of the energetic tie that Voodoo and I had formed. I was being shown attachment on my part, for I knew that if I was experiencing any sense of loss, that I was mistaken. But after that couple of hours passed, I felt a sense of peace. I had trust in the direction apparently changing, for I knew it was always for my highest benefit. I learned the lessons I needed to for now and was being called to move on to the next phase.

     I walked past the Rice Field Shelter after taking a break there. I really wanted to take the opportunity for some solitude time, so I continued on and found a stealth site a few miles up.

     Once I got to camp, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for getting space to be completely alone again. I felt excited to write in my tent again after weeks of not camping. However, 10 minutes into writing I decided to shut my eyes for a couple of minutes and ended up falling asleep for almost 12 hours. Guess I really needed that mental rest!