Interlude (Day 67+): Purist Thru Hiking Defined

Are You a Purist?

I saw a Facebook post the other day where some confused soul needed to know what percent of thru-hikers were “purists.” The post’s comments section did little to answer this ever-so-important question, and soon devolved into name-calling, mostly by worthless slack(pack)ers and other members of the tainted rainbow of off-color blazers. Even the humble-brags offered up by a few self-proclaimed purists did little to settle the issue.

The ATC, LDHA, USOC, NCAA, and REI rulemakers have all failed to adequately define AT hiking purity. Simply letting hikers make up their own standards of purity doesn’t work because the rest of us won’t be able to judge whether someone else’s hike is truly pure. And that simply will not do. The thru hikers of Appalachia need, nay demand, a standardized thru hiking purity litmus test.

I Am The Incident and I Am Here to Help

Fellow AT hikers, I hear you. I am a problem solver. I have conclusively established, once and for all, the definition of a purist thru-hike. I have stepped up as the final arbitor of purity on behalf of all hikers. Who better?

Let me start with my qualifications. First and foremost, I have not yet completed a thru hike. Therefore, as clearly demonstrated by any internet forum comment section, I am the most qualified to render opinions on the matter. My armchair and keyboard have imbued me with knowledge unavailable to those with worn-out shoes and smelly packs.

Second, I am no whites-only blazer. I have blue-, aqua-, yellow-, black-, brown-, platinum-, red-, no-, and bike-blazed parts of the AT. ‘Tis true that I have strayed from the one true trail, but my sins allow me to see the pinnacle of thru-hiking’s mountain of purity with greater clarity, unlike those lofty souls laboring up the holy mountains’ white-blazed path who are buried in tunnels of green and so shrouded in mists of glory.

Purist Thru Hiking Defined. Finally!

Here now is the definitive summary of a “pure” thru hike’s characteristics:

1. Every Inch. Purists must walk every inch of the official ATC approved trail. And yes, I mean every inch. Without question, if a hiker leaves the trail to dig a cathole, sleep in a shelter, or run from a bear, they must return to the exact point they left it. Preferably, they will place their foot precisely over the outline of their last footprint before continuing north.
   1. The following are not valid reasons for leaving the precise AT alignment:
      1. Venomous snakes coiled in a striking position direction on the trail. Go fast and hope for the best. The pure have nothing to fear.
      2. Same for bears, skunks, porcupines, banjo-playing yokels, or tick-infested overhanging vegetation.
      3. Bridge out. If the official bridge is closed or has been swept away by flooding, the purist must still ford the river or cross the freeway on the bridge’s or road’s original alignment. If they are swept downstream by the torrent or carried away on the front grill of a semi, they must go back and try again, taking care to place their foot in the exact spot they left the trail.
      4. Tree falls. Never, ever leave the trail to go around a fallen tree. Always climb under it, keeping direct contact with the hallowed official soil of the trail. Failure to do so not only negates purity, it causes untold environmental damage to the surrounding forest.
      5. Poorly marked trail sections. When a purist encounters a poorly marked trail, they should send a non-purist scout they trust ahead to ferret out the exact location of the official trail to make sure they do not accidentally step on unholy ground.
      6. Crossing the street. In towns like Hot Springs and Damascus, where white blazes are found on only one side of the street, hiking on the other side of the street for any reason is not allowed. If the official sidewalk is closed or blocked, the purist must wait at the blockage for it to open again.
   2. Remediating Errors. Should a hiker fail to return to the exact point where they left the trail, they have 24 hours to remedy the error. Failure to do so, invalidates the entire hike. They must start over at Springer to qualify for a pure thru hike.
   3. Getting Lost. Purists do not get lost. Any thru-hiker who loses the trail for more than 10 standard hiking strides must start over at the Springer Approach Trail.
   4. Stride Length. Long-legged hikers should take care to not take too long of a stride, as that can be considered skipping short portions of the trail.
   5. White Blazes. While it is not required, those who do not physically touch each white blaze with the same ungloved hand will receive an asterisk next to their name embroidered on their purity sash, to be awarded upon completion of their thru hike. Tapping blazes with a trekking pole is also impure.
   6. Slackpacking is the antithesis of hiking purity, even if one’s slackpack weighs more than an ultralight hiker’s pack, it is the spirit of the thing that counts. Leaving stuff out of a pack you don’t need that day is impure. Unless, you are going ultralight, in which case it is extra pure.
   7. Pack Weight. See slackpacking. A purist’s pack must be heavy. But not too heavy, or they’re stupid. Or too light, because that would be cheating. Unless they are an ultralighter, in which case they are automatically pure. Defer to ultralighters in all things. They know best. Note: It may be prudent to independently weigh an ultralighter’s pack with all the stuff they actually carry, as they have been known to fudge their numbers and accidentally leave out a few items before weighing it.
   8. Reversing Direction. North is the only pure direction. Hiking south on a northbound thru hike, except to remedy an error of foot placement or as the second part of a yo-yo, is impure. Purists should not even associate with flip-floppers.
   9. Beards. Purists must wear unkempt beards. Hairy legs and armpits may be substituted by those unable to grow beards to the required disgusting, food-trapping length. Purists do not trim, groom, or comb out their beards (or leg hair & pits) between Springer and Katahdin. Picking food out of one’s beard with a stick does not count as grooming if one eats whatever they find.
   10. Tramilies. Have you really hiked the AT if you don’t have a tramily? Of course not. Two types of tramily are accepted as pure: (1) With Drama, and (2) With More Drama.
   11. Assistance. A true purist accepts no food, money, or any other kind of assistance during their hike. This includes trail magic. A purist walks by trail magic with eyes averted while emanating hiker purity. It also includes medical emergencies. A purist would rather die in the woods than borrow a tourniquet from a passing hiker.
   12. Rides. A true purist may not ride in any kind of vehicle between Springer and Katahdin.
   13. Purists only camp in their own tents or ATC-built shelters. Motels, hostels, homes, and RV’s are verboten for pure purists.
   14. Zero Days. Purists take less than five zero days, all of which must be taken directly on the trail in a tent or shelter. Really pure purists do not zero.
   15. Approach Trail. Purists must hike the Springer Mountain Approach Trail, passing under the stone archway in Amicolola State Park and touching the plaque on Springer Mountain with the same foot used for their first step through the archway.
   16. Katahdin. Purists must carry their full pack with all their camping equipment up Katahdin. In addition, they must do it because “they just don’t feel right without it.” It is NOT weird that they’ve just spent five months preaching to anyone who will listen about the need to lighten their pack by removing everything they don’t need.
   17. Documentation. Purists should photo-document or video themselves (with GPS tracking turned on) each time they leave and re-enter the trail.
   18. Witnesses. A minimum of two reliable witnesses are required to document thru hiker purity. Anyone self-identifying as hiker trash is not considered reliable. Or safe. Or sober.
   19. Southbounders. Those miscreants can do whatever the hell they want.

Post-Modern Purity

A subclassification of purity is also recognized and is called a Post-Modernist Purist Thru-Hike (PMP). The following are allowable for post-modernist purists:

1. Hostels. Although staying in grimy, noro-infested hostels is preferred, staying in luxury private rooms at hostels, or even quaint, pricy B&B’s, is acceptable for PMP hikers.
2. Motels. Cheap hotels shared with more hikers than legally allowed by local fire codes is preferred. Nice hotels known to have doors that properly lock, beds built after the Eisenhower administration, or working plumbing may invalidate true purist status and trigger post-modernist purity status. If, however, the hiker is “tired” or worried about the weather, then by all means, they may stay in whatever hotel for as many nights as they want without violating their PMP hiker status.
3. Hitchhiking. Hitchhiking is allowable if the driver is drunk or stoned, legally blind, or talking and driving while looking over his shoulder. Exceptions for sober drivers will be made if the PMP hiker rides in the back of a pickup during a rainstorm or if they stand or sit above the truck’s side panels. Alternatively, PMP hikers may take any type of ride if they are tired, in a hurry, or just don’t feel like walking that far.
4. Trail Magic. Of course, accepting trail magic is PMP approved. How could accepting food and supplies you didn’t carry yourself be considered anything but pure? Don’t be ridiculous. Same for running out of food because you expected those stupid trail magic people to stick around long enough for you to get to their feed. Can you believe they didn’t have vegan and gluten-free options? Morons.
5. Zero Days. Zero days have no bearing on PMP purity. Unless a hiker takes too many according to those who’ve seen them do it and are not part their tramily.
6. Ultra-Light Equipment. Ultra-lighters are the vegans of the hiking world. They are imbued with extra sanctity that covers a multitude of other types of impurity. How do you know if someone is an ultralighter? Wait five minutes, they’ll tell you.
7. Stuff that You Like to Do. If you feel like doing it, then it’s okay and does not alter your PMP status. But if other people do it and you don’t, it’s assuredly a PMP violation.
8. Documentation. Simply claiming to be purist, especially if done on social media, is sufficient to prove one’s PMP status. As long as you think you’re pure, and say so publicly, you are.

I have filed papers to form a legal entity to enforce these purity standards. I’m calling it the “Ultra Pure Hike Your Own Real Hike Society” (UPHYORS).  Whenever someone says they’re a purist, just think UPHYORS. You probably already were.

You’re welcome. Donations accepted.

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The UPYHORS salute.