Not So Gently Abused
I wonder sometimes does anyone really see me? The real me? The one who doesn’t smile? The one that isn’t the life of the party? I guess that is me, just not all of me.
There’s a side of me that doesn’t like crowds or actually is scared to death of crowds, so my coping mechanism is to control the crowd by bein the center of the attention. If everyone is noticing me then that predator can’t single me out and get me alone. I will never be alone! I will be missed! At least that’s how I keep myself from havin panic attacks from bein around a bunch of strangers and potential attackers.
I also wonder if someone was to get to know all of me would they be able to love a girl with scars? Not the kind that can be hidden by dim lights and smoothed over with a glass of wine. The kind that are so deep that when someone gets to close they could fall into the chasm that replaces where affection is on a regular human. Wounds so profound that I do not crave nurture like most. Bein touched makes my skin crawl and I flinch as if you hurt me because the only touches I got as a child did cause pain.
I’m so messed up and I don’t know if I’m beyond repair or just haven’t met a person with the right set of tools yet. I’m in a constant state of searching and always wandering wondering if I’ll ever find a place I belong. I long for a time when I can close my eyes and fall asleep knowing things are gonna be the same when I wake up. Seems like the only thing not changing is me. I wake up the same broken girl I fell asleep as.
So I lay here tonight and I pray there’s someone out there that may see my scars and love me anyway. Maybe even know how to mend em? I know I’ll never be good as new, but could I ever be loved for bein not so gently abused?
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