Not So Gently Abused

I wonder sometimes does anyone really see me? The real me? The one who doesn’t smile? The one that isn’t the life of the party? I guess that is me, just not all of me.

There’s a side of me that doesn’t like crowds or actually is scared to death of crowds, so my coping mechanism is to control the crowd by bein the center of the attention. If everyone is noticing me then that predator can’t single me out and get me alone. I will never be alone! I will be missed! At least that’s how I keep myself from havin panic attacks from bein around a bunch of strangers and potential attackers.

I also wonder if someone was to get to know all of me would they be able to love a girl with scars? Not the kind that can be hidden by dim lights and smoothed over with a glass of wine. The kind that are so deep that when someone gets to close they could fall into the chasm that replaces where affection is on a regular human. Wounds so profound that I do not crave nurture like most. Bein touched makes my skin crawl and I flinch as if you hurt me because the only touches I got as a child did cause pain.

I’m so messed up and I don’t know if I’m beyond repair or just haven’t met a person with the right set of tools yet. I’m in a constant state of searching and always wandering wondering if I’ll ever find a place I belong. I long for a time when I can close my eyes and fall asleep knowing things are gonna be the same when I wake up. Seems like the only thing not changing is me. I wake up the same broken girl I fell asleep as.

So I lay here tonight and I pray there’s someone out there that may see my scars and love me anyway. Maybe even know how to mend em? I know I’ll never be good as new, but could I ever be loved for bein not so gently abused?

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Comments 6

  • Crazy Larry : Oct 29th

    You have the key to your mending, only you. But i know exactly where you are coming from, I probably been thru some of the same things you have been thru only I am a man. For a long time I could not allow myself around certain kind of women and men. But one night I learned about forgiveness and I been practicing it ever since. In order for me to move on and have a productive life I had to begin forgiveness with me. And when you can comprehend forgiveness for yourself you will begin to understand that humans do what humans do. Some actions are pure evil and some are pure good. It is hard for me but I know I am ready today to have someone meaningful in my life. I am 55 and I am so very tired of being without a mate. One of the keys is accepting people as they exactly are and not expecting them to be a certain way, this is a lesson I have to relearn once in awhile. And that is very important if you, or I as far as that goes, are to have a mate….

    Continue the journey and if you hike the AT please stop into see me, I own a hostel on the trail…..

    • Sheena : Feb 16th

      I appreciate this so much. I had no idea that people were commenting on this until today. I will stop by and see you definitely!!! People like us need to stick together. I call us “fightclub”.

  • Brian (The Chief) : Oct 29th

    No one is beyond repair. There is a healing that can be found at the cross and a lesson in forgiveness that is beyond compare. My prayer will be that the doors will be opened that will lead to your healing.

    • Sheena : Feb 16th

      It’s about go time and I’m freakin out a little. I know I will be triggered out there, so I will get ripped back open, but maybe this time I’ll heal up for good. Gods in control. I’m just goin out in faith.

  • TicTac : Oct 29th

    The greatest gift you can give yourself – as I know from personal experience – is just go for the experience anyway. Don’t close yourself off to contact, just be careful who you open up to. You may find someone out there who can understand and accept your scars, and you may not. But in the meantime, you have experienced your dream nonetheless. My suggestion would be to avoid the “normal” NoBo rush in the South. Maybe start a SoBo flip flop from Harper’s Ferry, then head up to Katahdin from Georgia. You will miss the biggest bubbles from both South and North, and be in a better position to be judicious about the people you associate with. There is true peace to be found in being alone, but it would take courage to face that for you. I have the same scars as you, and I’m an empath to boot. I must search out solitude or I go crazy!
    Take baby steps and drive to beautiful places close by but not frequently crowded. Get a sense of how solitude can be comforting. There is a whole world of adventure out there and you deserve to be able to share in it. Good luck, and don’t be a stranger

    • Sheena : Feb 16th

      I’m startin a week ahead of the bubble at Springer then flip flopping the rest avoiding the special dates.

      Thanks for your sharing and encouragement!


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