Thousands of Thoughts Before Thousands of Miles

I am not a procrastinator, but there is a lot that I have put off that I need to confront. This article for one. The Appalachian Trail for another. I have been committed to this endeavor since high school, but in all truth, I haven’t considered it to be a reality until this week. I start the trail in two days.

My mind is still but my thoughts are not.

What I mean is, my mind is settled. I know everything that I need to about the trail. The culture, the gear, backpacking and myself to know that the Appalachian Trail is something that I can achieve. When I first decided that this was something that I wanted to do, I had never been on a real hike. That sounds naive and that would be true. I was in high school, in Dallas. I had little exposure to the outdoors and no exposure to backpacking. Nevertheless, I was confident and excited. I read books, watched videos, and did research. I knew it was tough, I knew the risks and the small percentage of thru-hikers that make it to the end. Every piece of information that made it sound impossible, made it all that more exciting.

I committed to the goal and stopped thinking about it.

I have spent years adjusting my life so that the trail would make sense to my goals and my timeline. I chose Colorado State University, a school that would give me the opportunities and education that I would need to prepare for the strenuous hike. I graduated early so that I could start the trail on time. I quit my jobs, moved out of my favorite house and away from my favorite people. I set myself up for success, never showing signs or symptoms of self-doubt.

This is where I get honest.

Everything that I have mentioned above is true. I know that I can do this. I’ve known that I can do this. I have worked to make sure that the Appalachian Trail would be a reality for me.

I also know that I suffer from the perpetual underdog syndrome. I self-sabotage myself by making myself believe that everyone else doubts me. After all, I am a 5 foot 4 inch female that grew up in Texas. When others tell me that they are proud and that they “wish they could do what I do,” I roll my eyes. I am not extraordinary and nothing I do is extraordinary. In all reality, there is nothing I can do that others can’t.

I would like to acknowledge that this has never been voiced to me. I have grown up with a disgusting amount of support from family, friends, and even strangers. Nevertheless, I am my best buzz kill. I have managed to ruin every endeavor that I have been excited for or put effort into. I have studied abroad in New Zealand, solo traveled through Thailand, and road tripped through Australia. Every experience was incredible and life changing and has inspired me to go further. I can also now admit that I was doubtful and regretful for the few days leading up to each trip.

My thoughts leading up to the trail.

I am afraid that in an attempt to avoid these thoughts, I have overcorrected. I have reverted to my past coping mechanisms. I have lost all feeling, all emotion. I question how I can be so overwhelmed and so empty at the same time. I am not thinking about my start date. I am not thinking about the trail.

I have been drowning in my thoughts considering leaving my home in Colorado. The house where all my friends gathered, prompted or not prompted. My friends that I went few days without seeing. All of which appear more excited about my time on the trail then myself. In the end when I was leaving, I lost all emotion once again. It wasn’t real. None of this is. I am not leaving. I am not moving out. I will be seeing them next week.

But it is real.

I did move out of my home. I did say goodbye to my friends. I will not be in Fort Collins next week, I will be on the trail. Putting one foot in front of the other. I will be doing what I have been funneling the last six years of my life towards. I will be hiking the Appalachian Trail.

And that is so exciting.

I have been dreaming of this moment and it is fast approaching. I love being in the outdoors. I love to hike. I love to meet new people and see new things. The Appalachian Trail is not a chore, it is not a requirement, it is not a mistake. I am beyond excited for what the next few months will look like. I am capable. I have all the support I need and all the confidence in myself.

Right now there are thousands of thoughts racing through my mind, but I know that in two days I will have none. The noise will subside. I will be thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail. It will be real.

 

 

 

My name is Alex Tucker and I am fully invested in this endeavor. I plan to be consistent on this platform but if you would like to know more about me and my time on the trail you can follow me on Instagram @nobo.nomad!